Oh no. I've had a terrible realisation. It might never go back. I may have crossed over into another plane of being wherein there is never legitimate downtime or relaxation. Gone are the days of having a day job and watching tv after work while cooking a real homecooked meal. Gone is guilt-free hanging out doing nothing. Or at least that's what it feels like.
I'd say one of the defining elements of the Cardiff time was a constant awareness that I should be doing work--reading more articles, going to more lectures, writing essays earlier so i can edit them more. And another defining element was not knowing what would happen next--where, when or if I'd get a job in my areas of interest, how my time or life would be structured. Oh yeah and a third was when I'd be able to settle in for a long-ish time of living in one flat and not be looking forward at the next move. And missing my friends. That's four defining elements, and I'm sure there are more, but that's plenty for now.
so now I'm back in Seattle, have been for nearly two months. And NONE OF THESE THINGS HAVE CHANGED. At least not enough for my taste. The painting and bathroom fix-up drags on, so I'm still not certain when we will move in, though it shouldn't be long now. I have too many tasks piled up that need to happen simultaneously--job searching, job applying, networking and involvement with local organisations in my field, house fixing-up, finishing up my report for Cardiff U., temping, cooking and eating a decent meal now and then ... Still don't know what the future holds in terms of jobs and the structure of daily life. And even though I'm in the same town with many of the friends I missed so much, I find that I still have only managed to see most of them once or twice, mostly for the reasons listed above. And like in Cardiff, I'm not sure I'd be much good for company anyway.
So, yeah, I wonder if it will ever end. I know that most of these things will stabilize and hopefully I'll have some less-guilty free time to spend with friends. But I have no way of knowing when for much of it. And I do think there may just be more and more things to plan and prepare for and live up to as I get older and try to become a professional. so I trundle along.
I'm not even particularly upset about these things. I'm just tired. As long as I can keep from doubting my own abilities and worth in the face of no response to job applications, I think I'll be fine. And so far I still think they're all insane for not interviewing me and learning how perfect I am for whatever job it is. Maybe the job that is perfect for me is still out there and in this dimension I've found myself in, patience is the biggest virtue and necessity.
Tonight I'm having that Cardiff feeling. The one where I feel so far from everyone I know and crave some casual hanging out with people I love. But also don't know how to talk to people or what I'd have to say. Of course, there's a difference, which is that there are now many people I love within walking distance. But spending half a day painting means I'm now supposed to spend the other half working on my research report for the London project I was working on a couple of months ago. So, just like in Cardiff, I need to spend time alone and force myself to get some work done. It's work I'm interested in, and it's going to help me get jobs, I hope. But since we've been back I've had a hard time wanting to do it. Part of me is still stuck over the ocean somewhere.
We're still not fully settled. We've got a great place to stay while we get our place in order (it had renters in it until Feb 1st). But I'm not in a job yet, and we know we still have to move again before we can really settle in. I did some temping for a couple of weeks, and that was okay, but shockingly tiring. I'll go back to that after painting and moving, until I find the right job, or I should say until someone thinks I'm worthy of one. So far, not even an interview. And it's bumming me out. I re-did my resume last night, that might help. And I'm trying to make my brilliance known by going to all these school food and farms meetings and food policy meetings and such. I'm afraid it's not going to work and no one will look at my resume and see my potential as a professional, and I'll end up being someone else's assistant again and forever.
Josh and I are painting our apartment, and we're really happy with it. We're having a great time painting together 4 or 5 hours a day, and eating meals together in between, and walking back and forth from the place we're staying. We've always liked spending time together, and have been known to spend entire weekend days walking across town and talking. But somehow now it's an extension of all that time in Cardiff where it felt like us alone in a world of strangers.
Off to work now. Wish me luck. Oh yeah, and if you know any policy advocates (lobbyists) who live in the Seattle area, let me know. I'm looking for someone to tell me what it's all about.
So, I'm tooling around in the Craigslist job listings, and I come across a listing entitled:
Prudential Real Estate: Some of our Best Agents Used To Be Teachers
http://seattle.craigslist.org/tac/edu/272305056.html
And I just start to seethe. For the obvious reasons.
Seriously folks, we need to just buck up and pay some taxes and elect officials who will provide for our public services. Teachers need to be paid enough to live reasonably in the cities where they work and they need to be paid by regular tax-based budgets and not PTA funds raised by parents in rich neighborhoods (see Elaine Porterfield's article in this month's Seattle magazine: "How the gap is widening between Seattle’s have and have-not schools").
Your life will not be better if you have a little more money to buy something today, but your children are receiving a crummy education because only a few altruistic people are willing to become teachers and many of them burn out when it comes time to raise their own families because they want to spend more time with them and not waste two hours a day commuting into the places where they teach but can't afford to live. Then they get lured into more lucrative careers because, hey, who wants to give up their own personal American Dream in order to educate other people's kids at break-even wages?
(Yes, I know there are many factors at play here. I could go on and on, but frankly, this little rant has cleared my baffles a little and I'm off to think about something else now.)