Yesterday, I had just the 8th grade boys. Was supposed to be the whole class, but the girls had to go to Girls Club. This was explained to me by the technology teacher, so I thought it had something to do with technology, but, nope, it was the whole "carry this baby doll around and pretend it's a real baby and then you won't want to get knocked up." There is no similar program for the boys.
So, it was just me and the boys. During my lesson, most paid acute attention...until one of them put lotion on his hands and mimed jacking off.
Let me say that again: PUT LOTION ON HIS HANDS AND MIMED JACKING OFF.
Not only was today incredibly lovely, it also featured my new favorite compliment:
I was walking out of school and one of my previous fifth-grade students was walking ahead of me on the sidewalk. He turned to me and held up his hand for a little high-five, turned to his friend and said "That drama teacher is live. She's grippa live. She's the best drama teacher I've ever had."
In contrast, I had to deal with a seventh grader at the same school last week who reallyreallyreallyreally wanted nothing to do with drama. While all the other kids in the class were writing short scripts about zombie chickens, space monkeys, and haunted lockers, this kid was writing a little story that went like this:
Once there was a drama teacher who was the worst in the world. She didn't even know how to make a glass of water. So all the kids decided to kill her. 'M-80's?' 'Check,' said the checker guy.
And etc. Instead of getting him in a lot of fucking trouble I made him write a story about something he liked. (There's a bigger story here about the conversation we had regarding this, but it kinda makes me sound like an after-school special.) After telling me that he hated everything at school and everything at home he finally revealed something he liked: his PlayStation 2. So his story was about how to use a PS2 and included a little ink drawing of the controllers. It would have been sweet had it not been preceded by the above.
And then there was the five-year-old who was standing on the curb next to me during the rain last Thursday. While huddling closer, his hand hit against my bra. and he immediately flicked the cup of it. When I scowled at him he said "What? You don't want me to touch your booby?"
Friends, I cannot wait until this week is over. Good and bad, I'm burned out on teaching this year and am ready for some Spring Break block party dancing with the 1st and 2nd graders followed by some mid-week Book Club (aka drinking with the other teachers).
I just changed a diaper containing the highest volume of poop that I have ever experienced in my entire diaper changing career. I mean, the kid had 24 cupcakes worth of thick batter in that diaper...*
Said child is now pulling my red-rose flip flops around in a miniature Radio Flyer. Wait, wait, he's climbed into the laundry basket.
It's all pretty dang cute, but I need serveral years more practice before getting knocked up. Yesterday, in order to assure my practice sessions, I bought new bras and had my legs waxed.
Excuse me, my knee is being tugged by a small hand. Apparently, it is time to read Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
Happy First Day of Spring!
*I prefer actual cupcakes and I still think having kids is a good idea.
Confidential to those suspicious of my dizzy spells: turns out I'm just really fuckin' anemic.
Whenever I'm teaching high school students at their school, someone always asks me the following question:
"What are you on and can I have some?"
Today's outloud answer: "This is me in the morning."
Today's inner monologue: "Yellow Dog."
The actual classroom teacher is teaching to her afternoon class what I taught to her morning class. I cannot wait to find out how it went. She probably doesn't have any holes in her tights with which to inadvertantly accentuate her curricular directives.
(PS I was teaching good ole Shakespeare. While preparing my curriculum, I decided that people who are totally into Shakespeare are much like people who are totally into Monty Python: too many recognizable quotes and shutupshutupshutup!)