June 12, 2003

Jump for my love

To be added to the list of incredibly stupid things I've done directly after waking up.

So I called in sick to work yesterday to sleep off being tired. Really. I was tired enough to call in sick. So after 18 hours in bed, I shower and dress and start walking to school. I havent had a cup of coffee yet.
I'm wearing that great tits top Ida gave me when we went camping, so maybe I should have considered the following a compliment, but no. No, I don't think I will.

SCENE: Outdoors: 6pmish. Southeast corner of SCCC campus.

Sonya Walker stumbles sloppily toward the entrance of the building, satchel slung over one shoulder, books swinging at hip level. The sun is painfully bright, the world horribly confusing. She is aproached by 2 young men in giant pants whos crotches hang somewhere below their knees, sports jackets, backwards baseball caps. We shall call them the Assmouths.

Assmouths: "Hey! Girl!"

Sonya: stumbles to a stop, turns, tries to identify tall things in front of her as people or trees or lampposts. "Aheh?"

Assmouth1: "Hey, jump for me. Put your arms up and jump. No, better idea, touch your elbows together in back and jump."

Sonya: "No! What the fuck!?"

Assmouth 2: "Howsabout you jump rope then? Jump!"

Sonya, louder and more emphatic than she expected "FUCK YOU!"

Assmouth1: "Fuck YOU."

Sonya's mouth, completely independently of Sonya's brain: "Do you want to fucking fight, or what?"

Sonya's Brain 'Sonya Lorelle! No! NoNoNO! Shut up! Walk Away! You're gonna get our fool ass shot!'

Assmouth1, somewhat startled and confused that sonya just offered to fight him and his friend. "Um, no. I don't want to fight."

Sonya: "Well fuck off, then!"

It should be noted that I really had no idea what I would have done had they actually wanted to fight. My ass would totally be grass right now.

Posted by Sonya at June 12, 2003 10:54 AM
Comments

I said goddamn, goddamn! you're the best. and they are assmouths. I'll bet you coulda taken them. (maybe if they gave you a five-minute break to gulp down the magic caffeine potion first)
they don't even know how to wear pants.

Posted by: logan at June 12, 2003 11:02 AM

"whose"

You are so incredible. I wish I had the instincts to snap back at assmouths.

Posted by: Pascale Soleil at June 12, 2003 11:22 AM

ach, you'd have scuffed their butts!

Posted by: fire3500 at June 12, 2003 01:53 PM

Not to take anything away from a cute girl jumping rope in a "great tits top", (definately not trying to lend a bit of reason to the thought process of an "assmouth") but how great would it have been if you could have pulled a thin golden braided rope with small plastic handles attached to both ends from your satchel (almost like a wonder woman whip), tossed it to them and simply said... you first. I can think of alot of things that are funny. But not too many that are as comedic as a genuine assmouth attempting to jump rope. Well, anyone trying to jump rope with their pants somewhere below the equator strikes me as amusing.
Don't get me wrong... the best ending would certanly be a quick jump... jump kick that is. Jump kick square in the assmouth, followed by an intimidating jeer "I just kicked your assmouth!!" or something to that effect.

Posted by: sammus at June 12, 2003 02:25 PM

Why am I never around when this shit happens?

Don't answer that. I know. Apparently everybody's afraid of me.

What's to be afraid of?

I'm old.

And fat.

I have lots of gray hair for goodness sakes.

Posted by: Joshua at June 12, 2003 05:02 PM

I think you handled yourself well.

Posted by: nathaniel at June 12, 2003 09:45 PM

Dear Sjet,

You rule. I am so proud my hair is glowing.

Best Regards,
fbf

Posted by: fat boy freesia at June 12, 2003 10:39 PM

I'm not actually advocating picking fights with people, but since it worked out without any actual punches being thrown, I will say that you did them a huge favor by helping to clear up some of their misconceptions about women. Now they know what NOT to say to a girl to gain some sort of positive attention. If you hadn't been so kind as to point out the error of their ways, next thing you know they'd be approaching women on the street and demanding lap dances.
Someday they'll thank you for setting them straight.

Posted by: flamingbanjo at June 13, 2003 08:18 AM

You mean "jump up and down" isn't an effective pick-up line? Does that mean Maxim's been lying to me all this time?!

(I think our culture needs better male role-models.)

Posted by: bryant at June 13, 2003 10:27 AM