I've got this lipstick
that I really like wearing
a boy called me sweet
I dream of championship wrestling.
This is not to say that I dream of becoming a championship wrestler as my paying job, this is to say that when I sleep, my mind concocts images of giant men in tiny outfits hitting each other with folding chairs and jumping off ropes that are made for jumping off, as opposed to clothes lines and que ropes.
(when my father was a kid, he was egging a barn and the owner of the barn came home. My father took off running for the mustard field at a full run, 13 years old. It was twilight, so he didn't see the clothes line in front of him. Caught him in the mouth and slipped up under his upper lip. Knocked him over by his gums.)
I also dream that I'm one of the wrestlers. That my body is how I make my money. I lift weights in the morning and eat eggs and half heartedly jump rope and my burly man muscles beef up and my moustache beefs up and how funny is it that a man of my size is still terrified of leaving the windows open at night?
(I have spider bites all over my body. my regular girl body, not my sleeping imaginary muscle body. i don't know where they're coming from, as tiny roomate has none at all.)
And then I dream about fighting. In my dream fights, I move like a video game. My hand is down, and then I push a button,and suddenly I've punched a guy with the back of my knuckles 3 times in less than a second, BAMBAMBAM! and the lizard king is down. He springs up with his legs and grabs me around the neck with his ankles and my face is smushed into the mat right next to the lizard kings lizardy upper thigh.
(sometimes I look at girls walking down the street and I wonder if my body looks the way theirs do. Do I have hips like that? Does she have bigger breasts but tiny legs? How is that possible? Do my arms look like her arms? Am I a giant? Am I very small? I'm taller than that. Wider through there. Thinner through there. In better shape. Will never look like that. When I look at pictures of myself with my sisters I see an older version of my body in them, but for some reason, I still can't get a clear perception of it.)
I do some really fantastic move that I'm famous for and come down hard with a boa constrictor around my shoulders like a shawl, and it's a big boa, sedated, so there's my weight added to the weight of this snake coming down on this guy, and I tap the joystick just so in the right moment and I can make the snake come to life and bite him {shiftAleftarrow, BITE BITE BITE}. And the crowd goes wild. Spitting, holding up their signs, eating hot dogs and giant stadium beers as my singlet-ed self wails on another guy in a singlet. I love the word singlet.
I've also been wondering about something I was told recently that several men have since confirmed as true. Evaluate this statement: "Because they have the vagina, women are in charge and can have whatever they like." I'm a little skeptical, let me tell you, what with equal rights and all. But what if I don't want equal rights? What if I want your ass to get up and buy me a double since you're statistically making more money doing the same job? Maybe we've been going about feminisim all wrong. Yes, I want a lime.
When I wake up from these dreams the constant throbbing need for fighting that I carry around in my right hip bone is somewhat soothed. I roll out of the big white bed into a pile of discarded 3 quarter length dresses that need to be ironed before they can be worn again and I try to imagine myself in my clothes. Blue skirt with cherry print, red top from Fred Meyer, wristband Molly made me that loops around my thumb, big red leather watch, baby blue birthday shoes. Glasses, Bobby pins, Cherry pendant. Wish I'd worn my mouth guard, my jaw hurts. If I were a boy, I'd grow chops. And Skateboard. And carry radio building manuals rolled up in my back pocket. I never have back pockets anymore.
I wanna jump off the ropes into my ergonomic chair. I want to grab the salesman who calls in first thing by the hair and slam him into the post in the corner while flash bulbs go off overhead. I want to shiftAleftarrow the guy in the Explorer who doesn't yeild to bicycle traffic. BITEBITEBITE!
So it often happens that when I read something and I want to respond to it, I think to myself, "Hm, has that ever happened to me?" So the thought I had when I read this was, "Hm, have I ever dreamed I was a girl, and that I was doing girly things?" At which time I noticed something I've noticed before, about a lot of things: if a girl dreams she's a boy, people mostly don't have an opinion about the girl having the dream. I suppose the subtext is, who wouldn't want to be a boy? But if a boy dreams he's a girl, we suspect his boyness.
This is also true of pants and skirts: girls can wear both. Boys; not so much. And don't let's talk about Seattle and San Francisco here-- most of the world isn't like that. And Scotland, with the kilts; that's a whole other thing.
When I was fourteen I had a dream where I was at school, and I was walking around doing all the same stuff I usually do, only everybody was being a lot nicer to me. And I couldn't figure out why, until I noticed that I was short. And I thought, Oh, that's it. I'm shorter, so people aren't as scared of me. Cool. And I went about my day and it was really nice being able to talk to people for a change. And it wasn't until I was done with school and I got home and went into my room to watch TV that I realized I'd been a girl *all day*. Not a girly girl: I was still in my usual jeans and t-shirt and denim jacket. But definitely a girl. And then I was like, Oh! That's why everyone was being so nice. And then I woke up. And I felt strangely guilty and didn't tell anyone about the dream for ten years, though I always remembered what a relief it was to just hang out and be able to talk to people.
But also what I really meant to say back at the beginning there was, good post. I really liked it. I think I know just what you mean.
I just spent an hour writing something that was so insanely clever and witty that it would have made people wet themselves with laughter, and then I went and LOST the entire thing by hitting "preview" instead of "post". You're just going to have to trust me on this, it was a comedic masterpiece of Swiftian proportions, now gone forever.
Anyway, the rather less humorous gist of it was that yes, the female reproductive organs hold tremendous sway over the typical heterosexual male. But, this biological imperative CAN be mastered, thus allowing for a more equal relationship dynamic.
Damn, that isn't even near as funny as what I wrote before! It is however, much, much shorter.
Posted by: THE COMTE at June 27, 2003 11:11 AMare you sure they are not Tiny Roommate bites?
Posted by: sven at June 27, 2003 11:37 AMAhem.
Posted by: Joshua at June 27, 2003 11:44 AMI really feel for women. I don't think I've ever met a guy who has looked at another guy and thought those things in a body comparison. There just isn't any pressure to care about such things ingrained into our skulls by media, people, and friends. Sure we're pressured to not be fat, not be smelly, not play with our thingy in public, but these are good things. I don't consider it good for women to run a gauntlet of questions everytime they look at clothing, see another girl, or watch a televison show. Sometimes it's good to be vaginaless.
Posted by: UnderwearNinja at June 27, 2003 12:30 PM"vaginaless" is SO not a word. oy. (good goddamn, sjet, I don't know how you can hate the p-word so much and still bandy about "they have the vagina" so casually. *shudder*)
but, um, my problems aside: I really like this post, sjet. (heart) you.
Posted by: Molly at June 27, 2003 01:01 PMIt's all Cake's doing. I'm being worn down, slowly.
and thanks, folks. (Now keep those cocktails coming!)
Posted by: sjet at June 27, 2003 01:11 PM I'll get you a beer if you ask, but it's just 'cause I like you. Even if you had a penis, I'd probably still get you a beer while I'm up. Also, I sure wish they'd pay me my extra man-wages in real dollars and not these "statistical dollars" I keep hearing about. Try buying a ticket to the baseball game with statistical dollars. It's like trying to buy a soda from the vending machine with Canadian quarters. Good luck.
On a completely unrelated note: This week the new zombie movie opened, next week the new pirate movie opens. You must be in hog heaven! I think the movie studios have been reading your blog.
On another completely unrelated note: Two weeks ago I went out for bowling and karaoke at Leilani Lanes, except that when I walked in I was wearing sandals and I was worried that I was gonna have to wear the rented shoes with no socks, but then I noticed that they had a vending machine that sold socks(!) for only two dollars a pair, so I bought them and I was all like "This is the greatest country in the world, 'cause I'm buying socks from a vending machine!" but then my friend informed me that in Japan, you can actually buy underpants(!!!) from a vending machine, so I guess that this is only the second greatest country on earth, but still....
Just for the record, I wouldn't buy you a beer if you had a penis. Not only that, but if it turns out you've had a penis all the time I've known you, I fully expect you to pay me back for all the beers I've bought you in the past.
So there.
ps- Flamingbanjo, re "statistical dollars": you're my hero.
Posted by: Joshua at June 29, 2003 02:47 PMhey sonya I was just doing a search for my name on the google. last time there was this guy named josh kaffer who was in a body building contest, and I really want to see a picture of him. anyway I just wanted to say hello, it's good to know that you are alive and thinking wonderful dreams up at night.
I hope you read the comments cause I probably wouldn't, even though I did.
I'm graduated now and maybe moving close to tim soon.
hey sonya I was just doing a search for my name on the google. last time there was this guy named josh kaffer who was in a body building contest, and I really want to see a picture of him. anyway I just wanted to say hello, it's good to know that you are alive and thinking wonderful dreams up at night.
I hope you read the comments cause I probably wouldn't, even though I did.
I'm graduated now and maybe moving close to tim soon.
O.O Wow. I am amazed by your writing Sonya. Very thoughtful and beautiful. And some of the commentors also have incredible writing skills! I was doing a random search and came across this blog. I've never seen this site before, but your writing is so fantastic I'm sure I will again! Anywho, I shall be off now!
Posted by: FallenKitten at June 30, 2003 09:31 AMYou can also buy beer from vending machines in Japan...
Posted by: THE COMTE at June 30, 2003 10:48 AMThough, lest we get too stary-eyed, you can also buy oxygen from vending machines in Japan. Why would you need to buy oxygen? Apparently there's not enough to go around.
Posted by: Joshua at June 30, 2003 01:00 PMI loved that oxygen-bar fad back-when. I used to tell my partner we should park the ambulance in front of the Broadway Mall and sell hits for a dollar a (double) lungfull. Sort of like our drink special where you can chug until you have to breathe again.
As far as the male/female thing, I think that it is clear that as our particular society advances, the advantages of being male become less and less important. Granted, the occassional jar still needs to be opened, but all sorts of gizmos on late-night television can fit that bill.
As far as this oft-quoted statistic regarding money, I remain suspicious. However, it does remain that almost every trend there is regarding "female issues" is trending positive. As I understand it, as of a year or two ago there were more women than men in college for the first time ever. And while the cultural despots currently in power savage social services and try to pretend that abortion doesn't exist, I understand that girls cope better than boys in overcrowded schools once you pith the boys with chemicals to stop them from disrupting class.
As far as beer-buying - that's never been a question of equality. The fundamental model is a million clamoring sperm and a single egg. The egg chooses the one it wants and kills all the rest. If the choice is between a beer or oblivion, I'll take the beer.
Posted by: John Galt at June 30, 2003 02:02 PMGood http://statistics.atspace.com statistic word
Posted by: statistic word at February 21, 2005 06:26 AMGood read
Posted by: calls in at March 27, 2005 04:18 AMcoming out of lurk mode to say hi
Posted by: cell phone accessories at April 8, 2005 11:31 PMWas browsing through blogspot when I stumbled here
Posted by: people wet at November 12, 2005 04:00 AM