this imploding heart

Race for the Prize

She said something that really hit it on the head the other evening. I was walking to pick up hamburgers and complaining about a halfhearted hug that I was certain was meant to say "I hate you and I've hated you this entire time."

I told her that I was getting what I'd been getting from the start...exactly what I expected. Yet here I was, complaining about it.

"We're a funny species that way, aren't we?" She said "Once you get what you want it's nearly impossible to remember that it was what you wanted in the first place, so you constantly try to change what you've got."

And maybe that's okay. Try for the better job, the better house, the American Dream, I guess. But isn't that setting us up for a lifetime of unhappiness? Doesn't that put us in a place where we're constantly living barely within, or outside, our means?

If there were 2 of me, one who would live in the now, and one who would look at every possible option, that would be one thing. The truth of it is, though, that this is it. I don't know if the better option is actually better. I don't know if I could be learning more, doing better, being smarter, because this very moment is my reality.

I don't want to waste these mornings. I don't want to wake up and look at you and wonder if I'm supposed to be looking at something else. When the time comes, I'll look at that other thing. But for now, the jokes that are ours are only good for now. I don't want to walk away thinking that I wasted time. More than that, though, I don't want to walk away feeling like I didn't get my money's worth.

Posted by Sonya at October 30, 2003 11:13 AM