I got in a little confrontation with a guy driving a big white van the other evening. Tiny Roomate and I were walking home after something, I can't remember what.
Anyway, we came up to the intersection before the guy got there, and as we stepped to the street, he pulled up so that his nose was in traffic and the crosswalk ran under his middle and his tail was back in theplace where his middle should have been. It happened pretty quickly, and I was a little startled, but mostly I was annoyed.
I flathand slapped the back of his van, and it must have been pretty loud, because after we'd turned sideways to get between the car bumpers, he leaned out the door, kind of in a panic, and said "WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?"
--Let me just say here, that I know I was being stupid. I made a big deal out of a small thing. I could have just gone around, or waited, and things would have been fine. Keep this in mind for later.--
I said "You almost clipped us, and you're blocking the entire crosswalk."
"Don't touch my car."
and he drove away. Tiny roomate and I kept walking. I put my face in my hands and sighed. "I'm sorry man. I really didn't mean to do that, and it was stupid. I didn't...I didn't mean to do that."
She shrugged. "Living by yourself makes you a little crazy, I think."
"What do you mean? Like, the time I spent in the LaRoy, or..."
"No," she interrupted."Caring for yourself. Something definately changes."
Tiny Roomate is having her first living experience that is non-parent or college guided right now, so she's been a good eye opener for things that have happened to me in the past that are currently happening to her. Or things that happened to me over time that I had no way to gauge or judge, because I didn't know anyone else who'd gone through them in the last 5 years.
I think she brought up an interesting point. Since I've been the only one caring for me, the value I give my life has increased exponentially. The value of the lives of others has increased as well. It's much more important to me now to do things that make life better. To make existing easier.
(This is not to say that I don't still do crappy things to myself and others. I do. Do crappy things. All the time. But I'm working on being less crappy every day.)
And I don't know why it makes me so mad when people are just a little oblivious about courtesy.
I think it might be because I want to care for others, I want kindness to be easier, and every bit of kindness given back makes me feel not quite so alone. Not quite so prone to fall between the cracks.
I want it to be easy to be kind. It's only easy to be kind if everyone is doing it. Otherwise, it's nearly an act of God.
If you got to this point in the post, congratulations and apologies are in order. I don't know where i'm going with this. All I know is that I got mad at a guy for cutting me off in a crosswalk, and then I got mad at myself for being assy about it. And all the nouns could be replaced and it would be the same thing over and over again. (She got mad at a kid for cutting her off in the supermarket...you get my point. )
Sometimes I just wish I could go and turn every bit of barb wire into birthday cake.
Posted by Sonya at December 9, 2003 03:05 PMone of the few good things about living in LA is the near-complete lack of courtesy everywhere every day. and I mean that only because it makes you so much more aware of your own tendencies (my own anyway) to be negative and makes you (again, me) work that much harder to at least attempt to negate that with my own attempts at niceties as often as possible. of course, it also tends to drive me completly crazy.
oh, and know that while you may be the only one physically day-to-day taking care of yourself, there's a bunch of us out here lookin' out for ya too.
Posted by: logan at December 9, 2003 03:56 PMLiving in Paris has definitely made me a faster walker, much more quick tempered about people blocking my path and more aggressive. I've found myself in a lot of minor confrontations the last few months. Turning a corner in the grocery store and barely brushing someone doesn't even register for me, but it seems to be VERY upsetting to other people. I feel on edge all the time now, and I keep having to tell myself to calm down, and not sigh audibly and push past the old woman at the bank who is just fast enough that I can't pass her, but just slow enough that 6 people get into line in front of her/us at the bank.
On the whole living alone front, I can't stop thinking lately about communities and friends. Where do people in a large city meet one another, and why do we choose to associate with the people that we do? College is a very surreal place where no one spends the holidays together because they all go home, and everyone has very very similar schedules, living arrangements, daily activities, jobs, worries, concerns, leisure activities, etc. Kind of creepy if you think about it.. it's a wonder people ever adjust afterwards and lead normal lives at all.
Posted by: stacia at December 10, 2003 12:59 AMDitto
Ditto
and Amen.
Being kind in a world where not everyone is kind is for sure an act of God. You have an excellent point there. I lived alone a long time and definitely experienced the same thing. You have got to look after yourself and it makes a difference in how you interact with the world. I hadn't thought about it in exactly those terms. Trying to be less crappy is a lifetime journey too I think......wish everyone tried as hard as you.
On the topic of assyness: you touched his two ton steel box with your twelve ounce hand-- which is mostly made of water. If that's all it takes to ruin his day, his priorities are all fucked up and it's your civic duty to realign them.
People's thing about other people not touching their cars really bothers me, actually. I've been touched quite forcefully by several cars and when I flip out, people look at me like I have two heads. On the other hand, I punch somebody's car who almost hits me (not only that, but who made what appeared to be a tangible effort to hit me) and he flips out so badly I have to take slightly illegal measures to calm the situation down.
There's some math here.
cost of doctor's bills > cost of mechanic
ergo
the value of my ass > the value of any car
thus, hitting me with a car or even bringing one near me in a way that makes me nervous is an offense against capitalism and the American way.
Last night I was riding home and an older man nearly changed lanes into me. No turn signal, no hand signal, nothing... just drifted across right next to me.
I accelerated until I was even with his drivers window. At that point he looked over at me, looked startled, and yanked his truck back into the lane from which he came.
I didn't follow him home and scream obscenities at him.. I didn't kick the side of his truck, or pull close and smack his window.. I just glared, pulled in the clutch, gassed it rather rudely and went on my way.
The glare though.. It made me feel strange. Its funny because this post hit the nail on the head.
Pet peeve #1 - poeple recklessly and without second thought endangering other people (strangers more so) with vehicles.
Aside from the fact that this guy wasn't necessarily speeding.. there was no blinker and no blind spot check. Plus my "feeling vulnerable rating" gets the 10X multiplier when I'm on my motorcycle.
still, guilt consumed me, because of the glare, and I felt rather compelled to tell him it was alright.. I think it was his startled look when he realized what he'd done.. and that he resembled my Gal's father.. I don't know, but I felt like I should have behaved differently and let that roll off of me a but easier. About three blocks later the man (now in front and in the opposite lane) pulled into the turning lane with again.. no blinker.
I think Karma is a product of human nature. I don't necessarily believe in it.. it seems a little too glorified for me. But, like organized religion.. if it helps people feel good about helping others and caring than it's alright by me. The only thing is - does it make people feel better about helping because they care.. or just get them thinking rewards
No human has or will comit a selfless act.
I would like to think that the glare was a kind of "hey guy.. use your f-ing blinker.. check your blind spot, you are gonna hurt some one with that ton of metal you wield so carelessly".. but logic tells me nay.. this may be a little more accurate "hey guy, you offended me and I felt violated.. there's nothing I can do to make myself feel like I wasn't but glare.. so here it is. But I didn't feel better.. just average.
and that's just one of the reasons so many people like you so much..
Posted by: ryan at December 10, 2003 11:49 AMIf you're a C you'll end up like me.
Posted by: kfan at December 10, 2003 02:34 PM