"I think you need to eat more fish. I think it'd pep you up a little." - Dad
My walk to work involves a lot of skittish j-walking. If you live in Seattle, you know that cars seem to have no idea how to deal with pedestrians, and pedestrians tend to be over hesitant when any vehicle is still in motion. Cars might climb up on the sidewalk and hit you at 7 miles an hour, completely at random, without malice, and for no apparent reason.
I'm trying to be assertive enough that people who're going to stop for me anyway don't have to wait for more than a few seconds, but not so assertive that anyone has to slam on their brakes or...you know...run me over.
So after I avoided the slowcarslowcarslowcarFASTCAR problem on Olive, I stepped out to cross Minor. There were 2 cars approaching the stop sign, and I was in the middle of the intersection before the first arrived.
The driver and passenger were my age, driving a lowered Honda. My legs were about 3 feet from the front grill. The driver revved the engine and bounced forward 2 feet. I stepped out and away, and turned around. The driver started mouthing something at me and motioning with his chin.
Perhaps it should be noted here that it was 7:55am. I'd been awake for maybe 20 minutes at the most. No coffee yet, and I haven't said my first word of the day. For your future reference, If I'm capable of ripping out someone's esophagus, this is when I'm most likely to do it.
So as I was saying before I interrupted myself, I turned around and flared my nostrils and considered my options. My semi-coherent internal monologue was shrieking "YOU COCKSUCKING ASS WALLOWING HOG SHIT! I'LL KNOCK ALL YOUR TEETH OUT AND SHOVE THEM UNDER YOUR FINGERNAILS WITH A WIRE HANGER! I'LL SHOVE ON 'EM TILL THEY COME OUT YOUR MOTERFUCKING URETHRA!"
Dude continued to make absolutely incomprehensible motions with his mouth and face. For as much as I wanted to throw a fit, part of my new plan is to think about how ridiculous it is to watch others have a fit, and instead think of something effective, offensive, and low on effort.
like, oh..I don't know, spitting. Or the dirtiest look you can conjure without turning your body.
I think I'm turning over a new leaf.
What an asshat.
Still, good not to get hit. I've been hit twice by cars while crossing streets and have always been too flustered to come up with righteous indignation. I actually *apologized* once to a driver after making a short trip over his hood and windshield -- guess I was feeling too lucky to be in one piece.
Posted by: yukino at July 14, 2004 03:42 PMYes, ASSHAT!
I like the tooth under the fingerail thing. I'd go fo that.
Spit. I do it in front of people I don't like at work. Nothing comes out but they get the idea. I hate them and won't hesitate to bash their face in if it so pleases me. :) Have fun with it.
Posted by: Mathias Delusa at July 15, 2004 08:04 AMLet's face facts: the only reason those of us who have been in this situation before -- and really, who hasn't -- don't lash out with invective (albeit perhaps not as creatively bile-cleansing as yours) is simple fear of retribution. It's our body versus the car, or the occupants of said car, and in most instances it's a one-sided battle that even a David wouldn't take on. So, we tend to be stuck with these generally ineffectual, passive-agressive outbursts that don't make us feel better and don't go one iota toward making the othe person feel worse.
We could of course, even the odds, but society tends to look down on things like pulling heat on stupid, modded Honda driving ASSHATS (just so we're all in agreement on that point), and schlepping around a 32" Louisville Slugger ProStock is perhaps going just too far -- besides the fact that accessorizing around it is always so problematic.
The other option I suppose is, for example, next time you're crossing and some jerk decides to "nudge you along" in a similar fashion, just immediately fall to the ground (preferably to the side of the vehicle as opposed to directly in front of it), and wait to see if the offending driver decides to get out of the car, at which point you jump up, yell "Gotcha!" real loud, then skip away, leaving them looking foolish, embarrassed, and hopefully just a teensy bit scared, while the drivers behind them start honking with impatience.
There's always the chance they might decide to run after you, but then they'd have to leave their car unattended, and given the choice between chasing you down for (hopefully) scaring the living bejeezuz out of them or abandoning their car, they'll just get back in and go away, remembering your lighthearted-but-throroughly-to-the-point lesson for future reference.
Posted by: THE COMTE at July 15, 2004 02:40 PM