this imploding heart

livin' it up

Since the beginning of June, or maybe even the middle of May, all the permanance in my life has been in flux.

When I first called Tiny and said 'Hey, I'm just throwing this out there...do you want to move to New York for the entire month of June?", I assumed that the trip would be like going to the dentist in the middle of a workday. You work until it's dentist time, you go, you come back and start working again and there's a good chance no one has noticed that you left at all. Maybe you come back a little novocain-ey and weird-smelling, but that's about it.

Within 2 weeks, my boyfriend was practically pushing me away from him, but swore he still wanted me to come over. Within 4 weeks Tiny and I had abandoned our apartment and dropped into Brooklyn. In 6 weeks I was spending every day tooling around parks in flip flops and I found out Tiny was leaving permanently. In 8 she was gone and I was in a giant city composed of a million duplicates of a tiny city, alone, and starting to feel the tendrils of normalcy come curling around my toes.

By 9 weeks, I was back in Seattle minus one Tiny, minus one NYC, one month away from minus one place to live, plus one Cake and plus two parents.

But things are starting to normalize again. Now that my shoes, dresses and underwear are in the same place as my records and alarm clock and I've got beautiful women in my home again, I'm starting to feel like life is more the delightful Tilt-a-Whirl than the deadly sick-making wooden rollercoaster that may or may not throw me to my death.

When I look back though, I see the infinite number of possible outcomes. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened...if Ohio...if Sailors....if Skull Rings...if Swedish.

Posted by Sonya at July 28, 2004 12:07 PM