this imploding heart

Don't Point

The day before I went to Idaho with mom and dad, I got a call at my office from my doctors assistant.

"Ms. Walker? This is Jen from Dr. P's office. Your PAP smear results showed some abnormal cell growth. We'd like you to see an ObGyn for some additional testing as soon as possible. Are you available Thursday the 14th?"

"Uh....ck....I'm sorry, what? You found? ......Yes, the 14th will be fine."

"Do you have any questions?"

"What kind of abnomal growth, specifically?"

"Well, there were a certain number of deformed cells in your cervix, we need to go in and check the rate of multiplication."

I don't know about you guys, but in my family, when we talk rate of abnormal cell multiplication, we're talking cancer.

My dad developed a rapidly growing skin cancer when he was 23. His mother was certain he was going to die, but they cut a chunk of his calf away and removed his lymph nodes in that leg and caught it all. He hasn't had a problem with it since, save the swelling caused by a buildup of scar tissue around his leg arteries.

But when they said 'cervix', my whole world shifted axis for a second.

I'd never before considered the possibility that I might lose the capacity to carry a child. I talked about it with both Roxy and Cake, and they both assured me that, should they cut away my birthing parts, I'll be able to adopt or harvest eggs and have some other lady do the birthing. That there were tons of kids in the world.

(New Realization with the suggestion of egg harvesting: Pregnancy is a huge sacrifice of love that a mother makes for each of her children. It allows the mother to guard and protect and feed that child from the moment that the cells start to arrange themselves. She endures nearly a year of discomfort to keep her child safe during it's most vulnerable time. She gives it enough of herself for it to become a new human life.
I really don't care if my child is made up of my cells, but I desperately want to be able to keep them safe in my body for a while. Once they're out, its pretty much them against the cold and sharp-edged world, and you can only protect them so much. )

I should note that as soon as the lady was off the phone, I decided that -until proven otherwise- I was perfectly healthy. We could talk about the possibilities of cancer, but no actual worrying would be allowed.

I told my parents about it on the car ride over to the Gem state. We agreed to approach the situation as it unfolded, never before. My whole family fasted on Sunday and my parents fasted again yesterday. (When it comes to sickness, my family are fasting and praying sons-a-guns.)

I had my appointment yesterday. I'll spare you most of the gory and intensely uncomfortable details. (I got them all out of my system with Josh and Trixie last night.)
Essentially, the ObGyn said it's not cancer, but it might be this other thing that's kind of like cancer, but more controllable by your body's immune system. She cut 3 thumbprint-sized chunks away from my cervix, and we'll get the biopsy results soon.

But it's not cancer, and she said she had no intentions of cutting out my parts anytime soon. Whoo Hoo!

Posted by Sonya at October 15, 2004 10:12 AM