I just bummed myself out by trying to figure out what's been the major focus of my day and realizing that I've spent most of it imagining a certain entity's greusome death. (Trained hornets that fly into the mouth and sting, swelling the windpipe and suffocating the fucknut. Stabbing a pen through the roof of the mouth and into the brain..etc.)
The Rock: If a person wrongs me in a certain way, it's really difficult for me to resist having horribly violent thoughts about them. Particularly when I feel powerless.
The Hard Place: I honestly don't want anything bad to happen to anybody. I want people to live happily with their friends and families. I want people to be treated appropriately so that I can be treated appropriately.
I'm trying to let it all roll off my back. I lost it for a minute in the middle of the day, so I called my parents house to see if dad was home. Mom picked up and made suggestions like: 'Get a doll you can stick pins in! Put an orange on your desk!' which ultimately made me feel even more powerless. In general, when it comes to the sort of relationship that's at hand, I prefer to talk to my dad. My mom has never really been part of the earning set, so this kind of power distribution is hard for her to understand.
"Daddy, I don't think I can take it. I'm losing my head. I want to (explicit description of violence.)"
"Have you been shopping around for something else?"
"I've put a few notes in, but I don't have much time considering I don't get home until after nine every day."
"That's probably exascerbating the situation. Listen up, though. Nobody determines your value but you. Don't let anybody, through their mouths or through their actions, fool you into devaluing yourself."
Grr...
Posted by: Wow at January 22, 2005 09:23 AMI love your dad for that. I hope things look up for you soon.
Posted by: Lori D at January 25, 2005 08:15 PM