this imploding heart

Tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get

I've been waking up before the sunrise whenever I sleep over here lately. Aaron and I are good sleepers, meaning that our bodies fit well in the crucial snuggling places (knees, shoulders, accustomed arm arrangement), so it's easy to wake up several hours before he does and not move for a long time. I like to lay awake as the sun starts to warm up the blinds and let my mind wander as wild and free as it wants to. I almost never get a chance to do that these days.

I wish I had a box of cookies.' I think to myself, Better yet, cookies that could turn you into a mind reader. (I've been thinking about mind-reading a lot lately.) I wonder if there's any sweets within arms reach. Does he even eat candy? Of course he does. Look at him. Candy-eater if ever I saw one.'
My mind drifts on to pictures of what cemetaries must look like underground, and what things I would have said to who if I had thought of them in time. I'm just in the middle of wondering what Jesus was like as a teen when Aaron starts to wake up.

"Hey there, pally. Good morning."

He looks at me through one eye as he yawns and stretches his neck. Puts a hand on my shoulder and gently pulls me down from my elbow and in so that my head rests kind of in his armpit. It's wildly comfortable. Like a mouthful of something soft. That's how I'd describe it. Like being a mouthful of something soft.

This is the most that we'll touch all day.

I can't figure out if he just comes from a non-touching family, or if I'm being used as a stuffed animal. Don't get me wrong, I love being with him, but I've never before been with someone who didn't kiss me goodbye on the street and sometimes want to hold hands at the plays in the park. I'm not saying all the time. Just a couple of times would be okay.

He still has his eyes closed, but he takes a deep, wakeful breath. He pulls his left arm from behind him and elbows under the comforter. He moves his hands from my shoulderblade to the small of my back, pulls me in so that our bellies touch, then moves his hands back up and down my spine.

I've fallen for you, Aaron. I love you. Can you read my mind? If you can read my mind, blink twice with your left eye.....hm. Do you love me back? You should, I'm rad. But I don't think you do, buddy. I just don't think you do.

He yawn/sighs again. "Do you want to go out for breakfast?"

"Sure. Where do you want to go?" He's going to saaayyy...um.......Ballard China Buffet.

"Ihop."

"For serious? You want to go to Ihop? You know they store the meat on a shelf over the flour, right?"

"But there's 4 kinds of syrup! Just kidding. Lets go to Cafe Flora."

He rolls over and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He puts his shorts on before he stands up and moves to the bathroom.

I stretch out under the comforter and try to soak up all the warm places before they evaporate. The warmth smells like him. Like lavender soap and vinyl and wheat bread.

He comes back in the room fully dressed and spikey haired. "You're still in bed! You're always still in bed when I'm dressed."

"It's warm and...warm in here."

He walks toward the bed and starts to lean over.

Kiss me kiss me kiss me do it KISS ME.

He leans right over me and I turn my head slightly to greet him, but he just keeps reaching and grabs the keys from the opposite bedside table. "I've got to walk Alfred. Come out when you're ready and we'll walk to the bus stop."

I get dressed in the skirt I wore yesterday and my tank top that I found in the trunk of his car last night, left over from some swimming trip. The sheets were getting cold, anyway.

Posted by Sonya at February 1, 2005 02:50 PM