this imploding heart

Uh oh, its that time

Uh oh, its that time again.

I hate shoebox express, I hate cnn.com, I hate red whiteboard marders, I hate ferns, I hate the name Frances, I hate Bulger Safe and Lock, I hate r.e.i., I hate cold meatloaf, I hate the number 202 bus with the sign on the side that says "point and Klimpt"--really, really hate that, I hate the way this phone buzzes instead of ringing, I hate winter coats, I hate gnomes, I hate meeting maker, I hate everyone who's asked for the I.T. department today and Monday.

thanks, I feel a little better.

Green tea makes me jittery.

Green tea makes me jittery. I want to go home.

Sushi! I went out

Sushi!

I went out with Alisha last night. Hooray! Super good and good for you food and conversation. Everybody's got a secret lately, and I think its great. happy secrets, not hurty secrets. Anyhow...

Alisha and I stopped at the grocer on the way back from wallingford for orange juice, and spent the rest of the evening drinking memosa's, devising song titles, and listening to Matt's country tunes.

"That Alisha Alderman...she's a gas!"

Rubber duckie, you're the

Rubber duckie, you're the one

My oldest neice is now something like 12 or 13 years old. When I dont think about her being my neice, I feel like she should be a lot more grown up than shes acting. I feel like I was a hell of a lot smarter than that when I was thirteen, but hey, dont we all? Anyway, she has been fighting with her mother (my sister) and her dad because she wants to hang a picture of Eminem in her locker. There's a part of me that says "let her hang the stupid poster, worry about more important things", but theres also this other part of me that screams "There is so much good music out there right now! Dont support that hate crazed Fuck!". T.J.(my sisters husband, and not my favorite person in the world) told her that she could hang the thing under one condition... If she put up a picture of someone who supported the same ideals. Namely, Adolf Hitler. I think his words were something like "We want everyone to know exactly how you feel about women and blacks and jews, with those two, it oughta be apparent". Other than the fact that its not anything resembleing pol. correct, I think that might be the most insightful thing he's ever said. I dont want to have kids, I just want to borrow other peoples babies for a while. Babies are super cute.

Oh yeah. So Ive decided to make her a comp tape. I'd appreciate suggestions for songs to move her away from the Idaho radio station top 20 shes listening to now, but they have to be mild enough for my sister to approve. Send me the catchiest thing you can think of for a thirteen year old. I know that some of you are a goldmine of musical information.

Oh, Canada I stood

Oh, Canada

I stood in line at the bus station with a metal lunchpail full of bananas and heart shaped meatloaf sandwiches. I wanted to ask everyone around me, "So now Im twenty, isnt that supposed to mean something?", but they all had other places they were going. Twenty minutes earlier, I had hesitated on telling anyone I was really and truely going, but I decided that the trip might be harder alone, so I had called Matthew.
I couldnt help but look from the clock to the door. I was going whether he came or not, and I was hoping his feelings wouldnt be hurt.

Red Converse all stars under the guidelines into my line to leave this city behind me for the first time in a long time. He was here, and we were going.

I had received a package from my grandmother. Brown paper and packaging tape enclosed an ancient orange folder with the words "my readings" scrawled on the front in her strict school marm script. Inside was a treasure of yellowed papers and ill aligned photo copies. There were letters from my mother when she was still trying to convince my dad to get married. There were old library clippings she had never returned. There were newspaper clippings from recitals she had been in as a young girl. I couldnt have asked for a more considerate and personal gift.
We read them back and forth under the pinlight of the greyhound, along with "To Kill a Mockingbird", until we awoke in Vancouver.

We walked past a movie being filmed, a celebration of the Chinese new year in the international district, and booked a smoking room in a tiny Ramada downtown.

Through a hazy conversation and 3 walks around the same block, we ended up in a basement bar listening to a punk rock band. The 93 cent pizza was making me a little sick, but the Southern Comfort would soon remedy that in its own way. I sat back and watched the shirtless but dressed in tattoo band jump around and be happy. I was happy.
I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. The guy we had met on the street that had sent us here was smiling over me. "You came! Happy birthday, Ill dedicate a song to you"
And he left to set up. "Hello, we are All State Champion"

They were great. I bought a CD, and met a guy who worked at a canadian cable radio station. He said he had seen these kids play with modest mouse and other bands whose names I knew, but now cant remember.

A hipster kid sang me a song and gave me a fake moss covered bouqet of flowers. "You need this, believe me"

I believed. I kept one of the flowers to pin to my coat.

There wasnt a tobacconist open, so we went to the hotel and slept.

In the morning we went down to the breakfast room. A dad and his son were having breakfast and generally running around the room. "Look!" the dad shouted, pointing to Matt's feet, "You guys have the same shoes!"

I looked at the scuffy miniature red converse the kid wore with such pride. That kid was going places. So were we. Canadian bus stop with a metal sign. "Read the Buzzer"

It was time to come home.

its my birthday, Im getting

its my birthday, Im getting on a greyhound, going to Vancouver, getting drunk in a bar, and smoking a Cuban cigar in a hotel bathtub.

Love,

Sonya*

but will they ever

but will they ever want me? Green eyes, make my love come true

If anyone can sing the title of this post to me -correctly-, they win a trip to Canada with me today. or Portland, I havent decided yet.

Its my birthday! I feel alright. Not alright in the mediocre sense, but alright in the "yeah! its alright!" sense. Maybe thats nonsensical. Its my birtday right.

Last night, I was making litttle meatloaf loaves in heart shapes. I preheated the oven to 350 degrees, as suggested by my sister's recipe, and continued in the squishing and splating that is meatloaf creation. The oven started to smell a little funny, but I wasnt too worried. Funny smells are typical of my apartment building. Unfortunately, though I opened the oven to remember that I had been storing several small appliances inside, and they were melting quickly.

I now own one lopsided toaster, a with no known damage, and a pile of plastic and copper wire that used to be the cord to my rice cooker. Yeah, I know its sad, but it was still really funny. I wish I had the capacity to put a picture of the cord on here, because its pretty darn amusing.

I was given a dreamsicle down comforter for my birthday last night, accompanied by a twangy country song. Could anyone ask for better?

My mom said I was obstinate. Thats all for now.

How do you do

How do you do they say, how do you do today?

Oh goodness. I saw O brother, where art thou? at the Egyptian last night. It was purty durn fantastik. I really enjoyed myself. Patrick and I decided to get a cup of coffee beforehand, and we had a really nice conversation about how when one is small, one wants to dig holes. We talked about all the fantastic holes we dug as kids being surrounded by forrest-ness. He in Maryland, I in Idaho. We actually had fairly similar living situations as kids. It was nice. We talked about building forts and making traps for the big kids and bad guys. Sometimes, I think I still get caught up in the idea of being able to devise a master plan to make big mischevious changes to the world. Maybe I should do a little more digging.

I'll be twenty years old tomorrow. Isnt something supposed to be happening by now?

Im having a bad day

Im having a bad day for no reason. I want to go home. My hotmail doesnt work. I complain about everything. I love you.

OH! Funny and good

OH! Funny and good Ukulele

Dont spit into the

Dont spit into the wind

Gillian and I went to see A Map of the World at the Hugo House last night. That was one wordy and sit aroundy show. The actors didnt move so much, and they didnt talk to each other in dialog, they just spouted long winded monolog after long winded monolog back and forth. --and the lead had a really bad haircut. Really, really bad--
The highlight of the evening was certainly the long awaited sushi dinner with the gold standard crush supergirl.

Why cant you just

Why cant you just play nice?

Whoo. Busy times.

I was verbally attacked over a fedex package yesterday. Felt just like the old days at the 'zon. It seems the guy who got all patronizing and crazy is kind of known for being really mean to women he works with. Too bad his home life must suck, but come on, dont put it out on me.

Ill sing a song about

Ill sing a song about any given topic to anyone who leaves me a voicemail before 5:00pm. but you have to already know my number.

Ive been wearing this sterling

Ive been wearing this sterling silver ring on my wedding finger since I was in 6th grade, when my parents bought it for me. At the time, I didnt know it was my wedding finger, so there was an excuse, but after a while, it felt funny to have it anywhere else. I twirl it around my finger when I get nervous, and it hangs loose enough to be comfortable, but tight enough to never fall off. Today, for no particular reason, I moved it to my middle finger on the same hand. It looks foreign, and my ring finger looks deformed.

Wow, looks like I was

Wow, looks like I was feeling fiesty on Friday.

Matthew and I went to the opera on Friday. It was beautifully choreographed, and the hydraulic stage/ship thing was great, but I had a bit of a hard time getting into the whole No-rhyming-no-beat-ness of it all. The cast was entirely composed of bass and baritone men, and a couple super cute little kids. The ensemble pieces were great, but I dont think Ill become a big opera fan anytime soon.

The cocktail party went much better than I had expected. There was a sing-along, dill dip, birthday girls bearing asses, a Haley Mills impression, some Miller High Life low lifers, and one thorough ass whoopin'.

I received 2 offers to manage paid shows this weekend, but they both fall during another engagement. I hope they call a little earlier next time.

Maybe somebody out there wants to bring me some sushi for lunch?

I dont feel like being

I dont feel like being nice today. I dont necessarily feel like being mean, but Im leaning toward indifference. I also feel like saying I hate things that I really dont hate. I hate cottage cheese. I hate macintosh. I hate the number 16. I hate donald duck.

I want to buy myself a birthday present. I hate carbon copies. I hate egg foo yung. I hate el camino's. Wait, I really do hate el camino's.

Sidewalk haiku Hey mister

Sidewalk haiku

Hey mister orange Fro
You're living the good life now
What were you thinking?

Someone said the word

Someone said the word she has never heard

It was raining when I came outside, and I found this to be a great relief. Its been unnaturally cold and dry lately, the rain felt safe, dependable, and protective with the heaviness of my coat. I walked up to the triangular italian restaurant with the lonely cook listening to NPR. He winked and smiled and rolled dough into cheese filled rings for me. I ate alone, thinking about what I was about to do, and didnt want to do, and had to do, and had already done. What had I done?

I finished eating and looked at my watch, still 45 minutes to go, so I walked to the arcade. Playing "Gilligans Island" by the window, I looked up. What should have been my reflection was a man in a torn coat with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He held his hand up as if I were supposed to mirror him, I did. We waved, and he walked away.

It was time to go.

My steps felt forced as I stumbled down the hill. The heavy glass door pushed against me and opened. He sat in the corner reading, and I wanted to leave, he hadnt seen me, I could disappear like a whisper. But instead, I sat down, waiting my fate.

I poured out my confusion like a scalding pot of water, and he poured out his heartache like bitter cough syrup, there was nothing to do but take it or stay sick. They turned the music to a blasting guitar, and he screamed out his heart over the sound.

and it was done.

We walked into the rain, and it washed the frusteration away.

Speaking of forgetting Matty's

Speaking of forgetting

Matty's birthday was yesterday! Hooray!
May the ground rise to meet you and the stars fall to kiss you and the chairs hold you in their arms. Happy birthday, Sunshinestardroppetalpusherrainstop. May you always remember the phrase "I'm not wearing any underpants!" as a joyful one, not a dirty one.

The things we did

The things we did and didn't say

Im a little sick of feeling obligated to patch up things that I dont think need patching up. I like to imagine that the human condition is one of understanding and progress, and that we are not afraid of honest communication. Unfortunately, Im completely wrong. I clam up when I get intimidated. I also tend to put people aside when I get busy.

In most cases, friends are understanding, and have enough going on in their own lives that they dont care, but recently, I found out that I had really upset someone. He told me his new years resolution was to stop calling me, which totally floored me. I had no idea he wasnt speaking to me for a reason, I just figured he was busy.

So I apologized (my strongest skill), and agreed to meet him for coffee. I really do want things to be alright, I just wish it wasnt so dramatic.

I dont really feel like I did anything wrong. But I guess I'm just a heartless bitch, huh?

He was only trying

He was only trying to help... a haiku

Sleek business woman
Unlit cigarette in mouth
"a light?" he fails, shruggs

I have a really vicious

I have a really vicious head cold. I took some DayQuil this morning, and although it made me feel leaps and bounds better, I cant get myself to swallow another serving of that sunshine colored crap. nausea and a clear head, or a clogged noggin and an easy stomach? We shall see...

Now I remember what

Now I remember what I forgot

I met a transexual at the bus stop who was getting ready to have a sex change in the next year. In the midst of our conversation, a homeless drunk man came up and asked us for a cigarette. I told him I didnt smoke, but I had a little change. He took it, and thanked me, and introduced himself as White Cloud , he bowed a little bow, and shook my hand. He then offered his hand to the person I was talking with. She took it, very briefly and with great disgust. (White Cloud had very clean, cared for hands) The bus pulled up, and she scurried on board. White Cloud thanked me again, and bowed his little bow and was on his way. When I got on the bus, I noticed she had saved a seat for me. When I sat down, she muttered, "Well, there are just all types in the world. Just all types" and kind of harrumphed.

I thought it was pretty funny.

This may be rather

This may be rather dull

Oi veh. I cant really remember what happened this weekend, it was action packed.
Lets give it a shot:

Chloe called on what must have been Friday, and said she was coming in on Saturday at 3pm, or 9pm. I prompted her to arrive as early as possible, because that girl is quite the special treat for me. I was asleep when she called, but I cant remember why or when. Anyway, I bussed my kneesocked self out to the C.D. to meet with the Ebenezer Cycle cast. We watched the video of the show, and to our great suprise, there was a half hour of footage from the party...jam-packed with makeout scenes, and the camera man following one particular cast member everywhere she went. As the aforementioned two were currently out in the hot tub together, this aroused some suspicion. They stayed out there for 3 hours. Hmmm.

Alisha was supposed to cal my cell phone when she finished babysitting, so we could ride together to Tim's party. We were expecting to leave at around eleven, but she never called. Instead, she showed up at Matt's back door around 12:30. She is a smart girl.

We went to Tim's, and enjoyed the company of the many friendlies there. I was particularly happy to see James, and go for the traditional skip around the block/ice cream truck chase. Hooray for skipping! Hooray for gigantic bicycle pedal murals!
Then alisha drove me home, and I slept. and it was good.

Chloe called on Saturday morning to let me know she would be in around 3. I started cleaning the apartment/watching cartoons/showering and going back to bed nekkid/ cycle of a good saturday morning.

She arrives. We go wig shopping, get an awful cup of coffee from a random Seattles Best (this was certainly seattles worst), and have Sushi for dinner. We decide to go see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, because this will be her only opportunity to do so.

She loved it, and I was able pay more attention to the plot instead of being stunned by the beauty this time. After the movie, we partied at Annex until around 3:30. I dont really want to talk about that, because it would take too long. If you werent there, you missed out.

She leaves 3 and a half hours later. Like a dream, she just disappears.

Sunday was Alisha's birthday! I woke up inspired with a fifth grade art project present idea. It works, but I cut my finger with some glass, and it got all over everything.

Rick Miller came over and taught me to play the guitar for 2 hours so Ill be able to play for a thing at Annex next month. It hurts my fingers, and it makes me afraid. I dont know why.

I walked up to Queen Anne for Alisha's birthday, but the appointed restaurant was closed. I made useless phone calls, and wandered around. Alisha arrived, and was rather dumbfounded, as the restuarant had accepted her reservation, so we just moved the party up the street. We had super hot thai food, and my tummy is still feeling it today. Thanks for the ride home, Tim.

Other things happened. I cant remember what they are.

I'd just like to

I'd just like to talk about what I love

kneesocks, grilled cheese, gaff tape, diet pepsi, orange skirts, naps, pokemon, singing, the word "quack", alisha's green car box, orange cab co., the Le Roi apts, olive st., charming obsessive tendencies, secrets that you can tell but dont, black beans, angel hair pasta, strangers who like to chat, and others. You all should know who you are...and I do. Its alright.

Things, they are a

Things, they are a changin'

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Well, I knew it was coming, but it was still a big suprise. t*rgen gave me real, as in, on paper job offer today. Ill be on a salaried job for the first time in my life, and Im having a rough time visualizing how much money they are actually giving me. Im so used to living week to week, that a lump yearly sum doesnt make much sense. I'll do a little math, things will work out.

I've been blessed by invitations today, and I will be doing my best to attend both the E-cycle shindig at Matty's, and the soiree at Tim's house to see the bicycle pedal picture. I really like most of the people I know, and thats nice.

I saw "Rent" last night with Matthew, and although it certainly wasnt an earth shattering experience, I had a good time. I always want to sing along, but Im getting much better at holding my tounge.

I love sing alongs.

AAUGH! It worked! I'm such

AAUGH! It worked!

I'm such a dork. I'm sorry folks, I get excited easily.

I'm still trying to

I'm still trying to work out this html business. I want to be able to link to other pages. But I havent quite figured it out yet.

The Year in review: I

The Year in review:

I was talking to Gillian 2 days ago about how the whole Y2K (bet you thought you'd never see that again) thing actually did come to pass, just not the way anyone expected. Its been a year of tumultous change for everyone I know. I personally have made and corrected some of my worst mistakes ever, and some of them are still just in the 'made' stage. I had my first big job quitting experience, I left the country, broke international trade laws, lost and reacquired a drivers license, had a crazy stalker, was a crazy stalker, made friends with a large portion of the homeless bus-riding community, and stopped wearing pants.

Other things happened that were a lot more monumental, but I'd just prefer we left many of those well alone.

They just gave me $10 for the blood they took yesterday. Should I feel used? I didnt know this was part of the deal...

A boy I used to date and argue with would sell his plasma to make his rent every month, and make me feel bad if I didnt buy him food at the store. Sometimes I think love is just a bad, bad idea.
Sometimes though, when someone makes you the perfect grilled cheese sandwich at 2 in the morning, it doesnt seem like such a bad idea after all.

I had a little of

I had a little of my blood taken today. It didnt hurt, but it always makes my arm feel a little funny afterward...as though my forearm and fingers just dont feel like doing quite as much after that.

I went to the post office on my lunch today, I figured I could make it there and back with a half hour to spare, and I was so, so wrong. I ended up standing in the wrong line twice, and when the 35 people in front of me were done, and I was up at the counter, the guy said "Oh, I dont think we have these yet". I nearly cried. Luckily enough, though, my beautiful Imperial Party Time Record Player in orange and white had arrived, and I was a happy smiling girl. Its pretty fantastic.

I dont know how the people that work at the post office stay so nice. I wanted to kill most of the people around me, and I didnt see one person who did the whole thing right the first time without help. I certainly didnt. Hooray for the USPS!

One of the people who works at the genetics factory saw me working at Crane paper in the mall last night. I think he might feel sorry for me now.
Thats alright, I feel pretty sorry for him too.

Too many things going on over the next two weeks. I cant wait to go with the mimes.

Its been busy here in

Its been busy here in genetics land lately.

The sky was beautiful this morning. The sunrise made Queen Anne hill glow a cotton candy birthday dress pink, and I felt really, really good.

Alisha and I are having a birthday party at the Capitol club on Pine St on the 20th from 9pm to 12pm. You are invited. Even if you dont know us, but thats unlikely. Just dont be spooky.

Spooky.

My, what a weekend. I

My, what a weekend.

I saw 14/48 at consolidated works this weekend (both days) and it was fantastic. It makes me want to start producing more art in my life. Particularly the bit that Bret Fetzer wrote for Saturday night. It followed the storyline of a man who ran over a blind mans dog, and then cant bring himself to tell the owner, so he allows himself to be lead around at the end of a leash for the rest of the day. I cant do it justice, obviously, but it was amazing.

Ill have an orange record player in 3-7 business days. Oh ebay, you are a friend.

My birthday is in 19 days. I'd like a toolbelt, some bookends, and a college education.

WHOO HOO! I was sick

WHOO HOO! I was sick yesterday, and the mime theater finally called me back about going on tour as their manager. I was pretty sure I wasnt going to be able to go, (because of the genetics factory). So I came back to work today, and I asked, and they said yes! Hooray!

There is a part of me thats a little nervous about going on tour for two weeks with three mimes, and there is also a part of me that isnt sure she know how to do some of the things they might need me to do, but then theres the big stubborn obnoxious part of me that thinks she can do anything she wants, and I want to go. I really, really want to go. So if I told any of you I would do something during this time, please forgive me, after I feel really bad about forgetting. Ill do something nice for you. You now have plenty of license to say I had something planned with you that I didnt to make me feel guilty. I'm just an open playing field, people.

I am going to the shindig at Consolidated Works tonight, and everyone else should, too. Spin the Bottle is tonight, too, so there.

Hoop De Do!

Its a new year folks.

Its a new year folks. Heres a little song to celebrate. I understand that you wont be able to hear the melody, but its still a great song.

Happynewyear to everyone at your house Your House, Happynewyear to everyone at our house too. Happynewyear to everyone at every other house, but mostofall happynewyear to YOU!

If you ask me, or Gillian for that matter, you can hear it live. Offer expires after friday of this week.

I need to look as though I am working now, so Ill update concerning the trials and tribulations of the last few days later.