this imploding heart

sick of being tired,

sick of being tired, and Im tired of being sick.

I woke up at 2:30am on Monday night with dreams that didnt stop even after I was awake, and a terrible stomach ache. I was freezing, but it was too cold to get out of bed to put on a sweater or turn up the heat. So I lay in bed, shaking and shrieking to myself (mostly due to the dreams, the dreams were really the most disturbing part), thinking that this was it... I was finally going to go crazy. I called Matt, and the answering machine picked up. Im sure I just apologized profusely and hung up, but he called back, and offered to come over.

Such was the beginning of the 3 day long episode of my being ill, during the tech week of my show, again. Its happened this way (or similar to this, I was housesitting last time) for the last three show's Ive managed. Gillian thinks it may be due to stress, but I really didnt think I was getting stressed out this time. Im going to make a doctors appointment today. I hate going to the doctor.

Yeah, I know, I'm misspelling

Yeah, I know, I'm misspelling all over the place. Think of it as charming.

Call-response overturns convictions, every

Call-response overturns convictions, every time

I went to the death cab show with Patrickt this weekend at the Paradox. We decided against going in for the bands that were playing before DCFC, and opted to go to coffee instead. Beatiful was sitting outside, and he accompanied us. (my crush is more than over now, for reasons I will leave unsaid. Its really for the best) Coffee was good, conversation was good, and the time prior to the objective show passed quickly.
When we did finally go in, the air was literally wet on my skin. Hot and smelly and muggy in a comforting way. I saw a lot of people I used to work with at the 'zon. Various members of Peter Parker and a generally pleasant lot of people. Someone in the audience told the band that they should ask for gift certificates for Super Cuts, and the show began.
It was great. A nice mix of the albums, (the bjork cover was beautiful), and an overall enjoyable time. It was too long ago now to remember a lot of the specifics, but it had an energy of being home, with old friends and familiar acquaintances. Yeah.

The fact that they

The fact that they are over makes them beautiful.

Above statment made around 10pm last night at costal kitchen on 15th, concerning the term "Glory Days". Matt said his were when he was going to Evergreen, making his hair into weasel ears and running around barefoot. I enjoyed that imagery. You should take a moment to enjoy it as well....

I was trying to figure out if I have glory days, and I dont think I do. Maybe these are it. Shit, I hope not. My life certainly isnt bad, but I dont want to start thinking its all downhill from here.

What's he building in

What's he building in there?

Creepy tom waits songs remind me of taking middle of the night walks when I first moved to Seattle, and getting stuck in unfamiliar neighborhoods. Also of having shitty room-mates who made me want to take walks for 4 or 5 hours in the middle of the night to avoid coming home. So much can change in such a short time. It feels like yesterday was the first real fall day, and I was skipping rehearsal at Sandpoint to go to Bellingham, wearing pants and tennis shoes for the first time in months.
But yesterday was the first real day of spring, and I was sitting on the livingroom floor writing songs about bus stop romances that are not my own. We shall see what next season brings.

I was walking back to work from lunch today, and this guy stopped me on the sidewalk and said "I heard you whistleing yesterday. I didnt think people just whistled anymore. It was nice." That made me feel good. this makes me feel good, too.

Another thing. Patrickt (not music

Another thing. Patrickt (not music patrick, amazon patrick) and I are going to see Death Cab tonight at the Paradox. Seein' as how I'm a young'n. We bought our tickets online a few weeks ago, but the more and more I think about it, the weirder it seems. The Paradox doesnt seem like a place that would keep very good records of who had already forked over the dough. Who knows, though. Nothing to be done about it now. Im excited to see the show

suprised to find that

suprised to find that sugar will sear, too late to spit it out

My coffee keeps making my teeth hurt and yet I keep drinking it.

Patrick and I had a great time playing music last night. Of anything, I really dont want to start thinking we're good, but I can say that we are productive and suprised at ourselves. He's taking a film making class at Wigglyworld. Im jealous. I think Im going to take a super 8 class as soon as I'm not trying to run a show. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Challenge Butter. "I dare

Challenge Butter. "I dare you to eat this butter!!"

I ate lunch at Septiem with the loveliest of lovelies today, a celebratory spring lunch of ceasar salads and tuna fishes and jokes about butter.

The HR manager here at t*rgen handed me a packet about business seminars. Aparently, my upper management boss (as opposed to my supervisor) asked him to see if there were classes available for me. Classes on being a fucking receptionist.
Here's what it covers:

-Making a positive impression on everyone you greet.

-Reading and using body language to your advantage.

-Dealing firmly and professionally with pushy people.

-Getting jobs done in spite of constant distractions.

-Spotting and controlling troublemakers and problem visitors.

-Preparing for and taking charge of emergency situations.

-Keeping tabs on visitors and vendors.

and last, but not least

-Preventing stress and chaos from getting the best of you.

It kind of annoys me, and it makes me paranoid that she's unhappy with the job Im doing. I guess thats why I need classes....to be a fucking receptionist.

Waiting for the sun

Waiting for the sun

Its stunning outside today. Stunning. Last year at this time I would be getting off of work in about 3 hours, and I would go down to the market with a friend, eat clam chowder, and sleep in the sun in the park over the freeway until he had to go to AA. It was great. It made good things happen all the time. Baloons from the hands of a beggar, to me, to a babushka baby.

Thats a long and anticlimactic story I wont tell, but to say that days like this make me think of really good days, and hopefully, will make more good days come.

I like it so much it makes my cheekbones tingle.

I push my ear

I push my ear up against your chest, but your heart wont say a word

Last night was one of those nights that felt like someone elses life. I went to coffee and sunset with my friend Patrick from the old days at the 'zon. Followed by a little Gilligans Island pinball. After rehearsal (which was uneventful, save a reference to this, the first line from which kept us amused for most of the evening.) I ended up going to the capitol club for dinner and drinks with one of the cast. We talked about breaking up, and having crushes but not acting on them, and how that can be really good thing. He kept running into really beautiful people who knew him, and I kept running into one night stands. It wasnt uncomfortable, but it didnt really feel like it was me. Someone else borrowing my life and writing in activities. Lounging in a smoky room with a cocktail glass. Walking up a dark brick alleyway. Listening to NPR and running a bath after midnight. Its the life I'd choose for myself...so I guess Ive done it.

An experiment in stereophonic

An experiment in stereophonic sound

My Assistant Stage Manager (ASM) quit today. I know its terrible and wrong to say this, but I am so glad. She seemed ill enthused, and I certainly dont want anyone there who doesnt want to be there. Its not like we're paying her. I didnt select her to begin with, but she volunteered, so I figured she knew what she was getting into. Apparently not.

When I was watching the Yoga video in the lawnchair on St. Patricks day, there was a disclaimer at the begining that said "Do not attempt these excercises if you are menstruating". I asked someone why not and they said that when you menstruate, your entire body can only deal with that, and so your joints and muscles -especially your back- are at a much greater risk.
I didnt really think about it that much, until later when I realized how it felt impossible to do anything other than try to run the show. It kind of makes me worried that Im neglecting the other things I should be doing in my life. I wish I could remember what they were so I could make a decision between them.

Sorry if you found the menstruation metaphor disturbing.

You threw out my

You threw out my Nancy Drew books, my model horses from Massachussetts

I've never really celebrated St. Paddy's day before, but Im pretty sure thats because I didnt drink. Needless to say this year was a new and festive experience. A strange, and slightly upsetting, but also enjoyable experience.
I went to a party at the home of one of the girls in my cast. It was one of those "Lets try mixing our friends and hope for the best" parties, which usually turn out better than expected. So the mix ended up being 60 percent computer programmer and 40 percent theater.
We made several trips outside to smoke and sing, and were eventually able to convince most passerby's to sing us a little song. That was pretty appealing.
I had more alchohol than I had originally planned on, so the later half of the evening was spent in a lawnchair, watching a yoga video with the sound turned off, and feeling underwaterish. On our way out, I asked Gillian why the computer programmer named Dave kept looking at me and then avioding talking to me.
"He's probably not used to people who make conversation on purpose" she replied.
That kind of summed up my evening of the wearin' of the green.

t*rgen, the company I work

t*rgen, the company I work for, is now in the midst of one of the seven billion happy hour celebrations they throw. I started to wish that I had something in common with all these geneticists, but then I realized that most of them dont have any art in their lives outside of experiencing the art of others, they arent all that interesting, and they are rather shortsighted. So no, I'll just continue to sit up here and smile.

I saw my old boss and friend Jonas when I was walking back from my lunch today. He went from being a customer service supervisor to being a cook at the best restaurant in Seattle. I asked him if he was happy...
"Oh yeah. I like it. We sing. We dance. Its pretty bad."
It didnt sound bad at all. Thats when I realized that I really want a job where I dont have to be even remotely nice if I dont want to. Thats the new goal. Directly followed by my conquest of all the small island nations of the world, starting with Greenland.

S*

Im having a shitty,

Im having a shitty, shitty day full of people having a mixture of justified and unjustified fits all at the same fucking time, and all at me. So you couldnt make it any worse. Email me if you just feel like complaining. Yeah. I guess its my job now...

Wait, that was my job before.

Who's gonna drive you

Who's gonna drive you home?

Alisha and I went to PNTA last night to pick up paint and supplies. We opened bottles and drew on things with makeup sticks, and put red spraypaint in my hair while our order was being prepared. Parking around Annex is always a bitch, so we had to park a few blocks away. This wouldnt have been a problem if we werent trying to carry 9 gallons of paint. We made it about a block, when this guy in a big blue chevy truck turns the corner, kind of slowing down. He made a "do you need a ride?" motion. I noticed that the passenger side door was unopenable, and held onto the vehicle with a complex system of ropes and bungee straps. I looked at Alisha, and shrugged.
"Sure"
He pulled over and jumped out, he was wearing a tight red t shirt with an eighties band calle White Cross, I think. Sporting a mullet.
I worried for a minute that this would become one of those bad horror movies -along the lines of Three on a Meathook, but instead, he was a rather pleasant guy named Keith from Florida, who drove slowly, and had purchased said truck, a boat, and a trailer for 500 dollars, total.

He's probably going to come to the show, too. Hooray Keith.

I get by with

I get by with a little help from my friends

Jonas and Alisha and Matt and Jack to the rescue! All the people I had been trying to get in touch with about the build seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet, and these rockstars came from nowhere to say they'd help tonight. I dont see why people dont want to get all messy and listen to music and run big tools and slop paint around. Its fantastic.

Mom wrote me back and said she was sorry for being so emotional. I dont mind, really- it would be kind of nice to be able to cry at the drop of a hat.

I saw Gavin and David while on my way to dinner yesterday. Gavin is looking for a cheap fur stole if anyone has any leads.

Sorry for the ridiculous links, today. I just cant stop myself lately.

Only love can break

Only love can break a heart

I accidently made my momma cry this morning. I have, on more than one occasion, requested that she not send me spam. I know she doesnt really understand, and I shouldnt care, but it irks me. She sent me this hate mail against Jane Fonda. I dont have the same perspective as my parents. Obviously. Im not a republican who strongly supports war efforts. I just spent 2 weeks touring in a van with a guy who protested the war to the point of losing contact with his father for 20 years. I called my mom and chatted with her about the grandchildren and my sisters and the dog, and then I asked her to take me off her general email list. She started to cry. She told me she just wouldnt send me anything anymore "not even the cute stuff. Not even the poems!". I thought that was what I had asked her to do in the first place, the first time I made her cry about sending me trash. I guess I should just lighten up, but she's my mom. I dont want her sending hate propaganda around to any email address she happens to come across. Shouldnt I be able to say that to her? Isnt that kind of the same as saying Dont spit on the sidewalk, or hold the door for the elderly, or dont swear in church? Its just one of the new social rules, and certainly not something to cry about.

When Lewis Carrol wrote

When Lewis Carrol wrote the Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass books, the queen enjoyed them so much, she asked that he dedicate his next book to her. He did so, but his next work was a mathmatic textbook.

Ive been sending emails to the customer service q's at my old job, and singing them little songs. Being polite and nonsensical. When I was working there, I would have considered this kind of email a free bit of easy work that I didnt have to answer, but I keep getting responses. Its kinda funny. I need more to do.

Wow, I just got really

Wow, I just got really sappy a second ago. I deleted it. Sorry if you caught it.

S*

I wanna know everything

I wanna know everything about you love, but I'm waiting for the paperback

The build for Pearl at Annex starts today. If you've got a hankerin' to nail some things together or paint something, Please Please Please email me. Please.

Weekend was fun but rough. I saw a really bad movie with Matty and Gillian. We hadnt intended to go to the movies at all but the fringe show we were trying to attend sold out. The movie was "Blow Dry" --I'll be the first to admit, I have incredibly low standards in entertainment, and it was still pretty awful.

Friday was also full moon. I tend to make worse decisions than usual under the full moon. I was about to make a pretty terrible one, but I checked the calendar and saved us all the misery. I watched the simpsons and went to bed instead.

Lots of other things happened that include -buying argyle socks, canadian vanilla schnapps, Come on Eileen, and a scale ruler, but those things arent all that interesting. Lets just say I slept through a good portion of rehearsal on Sunday and didnt feel all that great until 9pm sunday night.

I got gipped out of my lunch today, and I know I wont get paid for the extra hour I have to sit here, but I still have to make it look like I'm working. Bullocks to that.

There's this lady in the

There's this lady in the reception lounge here, waiting for her interview...feverishly picking her teeth while reading a romance novel. Isnt that kind of weird?

Where is the Kozmo guy?

I believed everything you

I believed everything you said cause you had what you had over your head

Patrick came over to play music and sing songs last night. He taught me 3 new chords, 2 of which I promptly forgot. They're written down, though, and the spirit of the thing is getting easier. What I really want though, is a tambourine. Oh yes.

In other news, I found a blue plastic indian chief in my kitchen last night, and by happenchance, Alisha found one in her purse. All this is apparently the scheme of a gaggle of boys who attended our birthday party last month. We decided it was rather endearing. Its one of those things that make me wish I was whoever did it, because its just that neat. Does that make sense? No, no I suppose it doesnt.

Like I was 17,

Like I was 17, that would be a scream
Apparently, a siezmologist at the U predicts another quake in Seatown sometime after friday of this week and before the 23rd. So there's that. Anyway...

I got a voicemail while I was at rehearsal last night from my building manager. He said he had taken a crew into my apartment that afternoon to look at the fireplace. (I was also trying to figure out why one of the lighting instruments wouldnt work at the time, so I wasnt paying the kind of attention the message needed). I haphazardly made out that some kind of sheet would have to be put in place inside my apartment, and that they would be coming back, so could I please get my crap out from in front of the fireplace.
I erased the message and fixed the thing before I realized that random construction guys would be running around my apartment at some random interval. It kinda freaked me out, but it also gave me the motivation to scrub my kitchen floor and wash the dishes until the wee hours of the morning. The long and short of all of this is, I am turning into my mother. Do I really care if these guys see my dishes? I guess I do, now. Damn.

Hey, its a beautiful

Hey, its a beautiful day, and Im starting to feel a lot better

I had a good weekend. Not the kind of weekend where you wake up on sunday morning with the word "Spicy" written on your calves in magic marker, and you cant really remember how you got home; but the kind of good where something you thought would be uncomfortable was enjoyable, something you thought wouldnt be done gets finished with time to spare, and someone you didnt expect to see stops by. That was a huge sentence.

I went to see Rainer Maria at the Paradox with my friend patrickt. I was afraid he had abandoned me to be devoured by the hipsters, but he finally arrived. The first band was a sit down band. In the sense that both the audience, and the band were sitting down and tapping their toes for the whole set. Patrick and I concurred that there should be more sit down bands in the world: for resting enjoyment.
R.M. played, and they were great. The most appealing part about seeing them was that they really, really enjoyed themselves on stage. I think that an artist who really enjoys what they do is much more enjoyable to watch. ( so if you arent having fun, knock it off. Do something else) I also noticed that they were twice as attractive simply due to the fact that they were happy, --and they were already pretty attractive.
Anyhow, when the set was over, they announced that there would be a sing along in about an hour. Most people took it as a joke and left, but sure enough, an hour later, we were all there -singing Aerosmith tunes and dancing. It was great. Everyone was invited on stage to sing or play instruments or whatever, and most everyone did.
There was this guy playing tambourine all night who was literally one of the most physically beautiful human beings I have ever seen. I wanted to run up to him, squeeze him, and then run away. Instead, I stood on the other side of the room and tried not to look at him.
When the sing along was winding down, I kind of asked around among the strangers to see if anyone was going toward the hill (it was the bus witching hour for me. I try to avoid taking busses home from the u-dist between 1 and 4am). To my suprise, beautiful comes up unsolicited and says "Hey, I dont know where Capitol hill is, but Ill drive you home". He just moved here from boston, and he's an author under the guise of a carpenter for now. He may be helping build sets for Pearl at Annex. I'm not in the romantic market at the moment, but I think anyone could appreciate how pretty this kid is.

Anyhow. On saturday after rehearsal, Alisha and I had a big sushi and noodles and curry and veggies with green tea dinner. We stopped by my house to pick up some booze remnants from our birthday, and headed over to Tim's.
We had the good fortune to hear Michael Jackson's "Rock with you" on the way over, and Josh was already playing when we arrived. We were warmly welcomed with hugs from the performer.
Josh played very well despite trouble remembering some lyrics. I particularly enjoyed his 'swimmin in lake michigan' song (tube top city?)
I cant remember if matt or Tim played next, so I'll say Matt. That kid writes beautiful songs, but they make me really, really sad. Kudos for the sad factor, Matt. Something also must be said for the rug-hook purple slippers that kid was sporting. Whoo!
In my reality, Tim had his solo performance last. I have to say that, this particular performance was the best of his Ive seen. Including anything in any park or living room or portland or basement anywhere in the last year. Major change #1 was that he was totally audible. That alone would have made it for me. Additionally, however, his songs have matured greatly over the past few months; from rather loosely slung ditties -to well composed, witty, engaging songs. I'm not saying he wasnt good before, but I am saying he's a lot better now. Could this be the fault of Magnetic Bicycle Craft? Hmmm.
The close of the evening was introduced by the available members of MLB. It was great fun. It seems that only 3 of the 4 of them can play together at a time.
I also got to take a skip and have a slightly unwilling dance with James, and that always makes the day.

Sunday I had a good early breakfast with Matt, and a productive rehearsal. I cleaned my house, and I took a nap. I couldnt have asked for better.

So, is smile one

So, is smile one syllable or two?

Thats the question that will make or break that haiku down there. Email me with you're opinion.

I went home for lunch today, and in the course of 15 minutes, 3 people I rarely hear from on the telephone called me. Middle of the day on a Thursday and suddenly its family reunion time. I also received a call at 5:55 this morning from my honorable mention husband in DC. If you've ever called in the morning, you have some idea of how irrational I tend to be. I remember him saying "Oh shit, I forgot how early it is there!" and "Sonya, do you even know who this is?" and "So I guess if you're sleeping, you must be alright", but thats about it.
I also had a dream about these oppossums coming out of this dresser drawer in a small town hotel. They varied greatly in size, and the little ones would attatch themselves to your head and feed. It wasnt so much frightening as highly annoying. Maybe Ive been permanently skewed by the mime tour. There werent attacking oppossums or anything, but those small town hotels can be creepy.
When my friend from DC called, I was having a dream about a vaccuum cleaner, and I remember having to turn it off in the dream before I could answer the real-life phone.

I just tried to pull up www.vaccuumcleaner.com, and the internet attacked me, and the little ones started feeding on my head.