this imploding heart

Evening One, Day One

I'm sitting 41 stories above the ground in the type of apartment you only see in movies. The sun just set and the city is putting on it's evening gown.

When we arrived last night, there were fireworks. Today, rain. Thanks for the welcome, NY.

all my lovin'

Hi everybody! It's 8:14, I'm at work, and I just woke up 17 minutes ago! I'd love to be able to answer questions and be helpful, but I can't get my eyes to focus.

Ugh.

Yesterday.

Okay, you might all be mad at me, but I don't care. I tacked a crappy 3 line synopsis on the end of my paper and turned that mofo in without letting anyone else edit it. I also returned my library books. I performed all these tasks on my scooter in a tsunami. It was raining hard enough that my all-the-way-at-the-bottom underthings were soaked through, and when I went to the library to pay my 30 dollars worth of fines, I left a circle of water where my dress dripped onto the floor.

After I got home and changed and decided not to go back to work, Patrickopie and Alisha came over and took Tiny and I to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch at Rebar. It was my underaged dream come true, but I think I'll write about it later, because I really need some coffee.

And they fall like flies

Worried About:

1:Getting to the airport

2: Getting the (One Paragraph Away From Complete!) paper edited and the hundred thousand dollars worth of library books I've been ferreting away turned back in.

3: How the squirrells are acting today. (suspicious.)

Excited About:

1: Not working for a month.

2: The possibilities of new friends

3: Being able to give myself fancy hair-do's every day, if I'm so inclined.

Already Missing:

The little dances you do.

The Mountain Goats! (with pictures!)

First, we brushed our teeth, and delighted ourselves.

'We Ragazz' opened, and Captian Foxy The Lead Singer did his damndest to get the crowd to clap along. But the crowd was feeling like the first one to clap would get laughed at and depantsed or something, because he had to say into the microphone, "For God's Sake, People. Put your hands together, will you?"

Oh Seattle, when will you let the pain of eleventh grade wash into the sound?

Mister Nova bit his lip! Then he played the trumpet until his lip fell right off! It did!

As we were already feeling a bit like high schoolers, some folks took it upon themselves to shout, in Fraternity and Unison, the name of the song they wanted to hear. John D proceeded to ward off their attacks with his fierce awesomeness.

All jokes aside, kids. This was a fantastic show. All the purity and clarity of J.D.'s voice resonates live, and I was able to appreciate every facet of each song. I like guitars. I like bass and drums. But I also really like the story a song tells. The whole show was captivating.

And they encored. Twice. It was hot.

And, as promised, His Royal Majesty

I've got very little money left

Hi lovebunnies.

Tiny and I leave for No Sleep Till Brooklyn in 5 days. Of course this means that the washers in our building will somehow turn my clothes dirtier than they were when I put them in, and we'll develop a case of 'Spill things on the carpet every day'. Also, a case of 'Go to bed at 9:15'. Who knows why.

I bought a digital camera, and I'm waiting to write about the absolutely fabulous Mountain Goats show I saw with Mr. Nova last weekend at the Tractor until I can post pictures to go along. I got a great photo of The Emperor and Trixie as well as some clear, if sort of far away, pictures of J. Darnielle and Co.
I also took some great pictures of Tiny eating a grapefruit, Patrick Opie and Alisha calling each other 'Weenis', and Cake trying to get dressed while I threw handfuls of laundry at him. I suspect this is going to be an amusing toy.

AND! remember that paper you think I definately should have turned in by now? It's almost done! If I don't have a good conclusion by Friday, I'm going to write 'Interning people for being better farmers is whack! The End!' at the bottom and turn it in with a fifty dollar bill.

I hope you're ready for our date, Misc. NY residents. I'm gonna be up in your shit and back out of it before you have time to blink.

Painkillers before bedtime =

Last night I dreamed I was trying to organize my own wedding and manage a tank full of capuchin monkeys at the same time. I was trying to get the monkeys out of a van and into this house where the wedding was, and I couldn't find the groom. My entire family was running around fussing with things, and I was furious that they wouldn't focus on the fact that we needed to get the monkeys out of the van and into an enclosed room in the house before we needed to fluff the flowers and straighten dresses, not to mention finding the guy I'm marrying.
My ex boyfriend showed up just as I was about to lose my shit. He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me a little, then we went to work. He proved to be the only person who could come up with effective solutions as well as take specified directions. We taped off a side kitchen, drove the van up to the door, let the monkeys into the kitchen and went in to sit down ourselves. A monkey fell asleep on my shoulder, and my family kept knocking on the door, but I was so tired, I just let them knock.

now how I remember you

Dear England,

I know you guys have been doing this for a while now, but I have a suggestion. My roomate just told me that Sean Connery is a knight. And Judi Dench. Now, this is jut my opinion, but I don't think Judi Dench is capable of slaying a dragon. And it just seems like, if you're going to knight somebody, they should either have already slain a dragon, or are looking for a dragon to slay. That's all I'm saying.

I hope the whole crumpet thing is working out nicely.

Best Regards,

Mister Lucky

You'll soon be waking to find your heart is breaking

Today, I feel like cursing. Cursing, and writing a review of Van Helsing. Cursing, writing a review of Van Helsing, and shaking my fist at things.

If you don't like cursing, finding out what happens in Van Helsing, or Fist Shaking, you should consider this the end of my post. Otherwise, you go ahead and click 'more'.

I saw fucking Van Helsing with my bitches last night. The movie was ass-stupid, craptastic, and Fierce Awesome all at the same time.

We open with Doctor Fuckenstein and Count Crapula making a monster baby in a castle that, assily, belongs to Crapula for Fuckensteins use.

The Villiagers Attack!

Crapula beats the shit out of Fuckenstien, but the monster baby wakes up and sees that daddy's hurt, so he picks him up and makes his escape. Monster is being all lovey dovey with dad and sneaking away, when fucking Igor comes along and says "Hey Guys! Guys Running Away! Hey!" and all the villiagers are like "What's Igor looking at? Hey! Come back!"

and the windmill burns down.

Now, here, I could have fucking sworn that it said "100 years later", but maybe it said, "Paris, France". Who knows. If it did say '100 years later', then those villiagers who stormed the castle in the first place are looking pretty good when Van Hellpants shows up to fall in love with the Gypsy princess and defeat Crapula and become a Werewolf. (why does that guy always get cast as wolves?)

"In the Name of CGI, Open This Door!"

Then, a hundred vampire versions of Slimer showed up, feasted, expoloded. The vampire brides cackled and hissed, and the Gypsy Werewolf brother shed his skin, then his fur, then his skin again.

Where's the fucking Mummy!?? I thought I was going to a Werewolves, Frankensteins, Vampires, Evil Scientists and MUMMIES movie! And what about Aquaman? Everyone ELSE is in this movie? Why not AQUAMAN!?

I had a good time at this asshat of a film, and I laughed heartily when I discovered that it was written, directed, and produced by the same guy. The ones that really push the limits of cheese usually are.

maybe baby, I'll have you

If it came in infant form, it was at the lake yesterday.

Babies in strollers or on hips were stretching hands that would fit sqarely in my palm, trying to reach the trees, their toes, a joggers dangling earring.

Bunnies who's ears perked when I hiccupped. Eating and fertilizing the grass at the same time.

Ducklings now big enough to feel confident swimming a little farther away from mom, but paddling back to her side if the wind blows a little too fiercely.

after all is said and done

"Isn't it funny how love can make people mean?"

I have some kind of malfunction in my animal brain that makes it so when I suspect that love is leaving, I hold very very still, and try not to even move my eyes, in hopes that I won't spook it away. If I can make as little noise as possible, it might just flutter it's wings and land back on my shoulder.

However, I suspect more and more that love is more the ocean, less a butterfly. It's just going to come and go as it pleases, no matter how still anyone stands.

Girls say

I saw a pretty great punk-pop band last night in a bar with more lesbians than I think I've ever been in the same room with before. I've waded through millions of swarms of gay men in my life, but I rarely see large groups of lesbians (or women in general, for that matter) together in a strictly social, non-protest or parade, situation.

Tiny felt like she was getting the stink-eye a bit, but Roxy and I agreed that it was a nice scene. In addition to everyone being my own height, making it easy to see the stage, I would have had a decent chance in a fight with almost anyone in the bar for once in my life.

The Butchies were fun. A great cross sampling of sweet pop numbers and fist-in-the-air type punk ballads, fronted by an absolute Amazon. Woman, Black, Butch and a Huge Stage Presence. I hereby award her the 'Damn, Girl! Your shit is off the Richter!' award for May 04.

My warm hands to keep it from turning

I wish optimism was spread like HIV. You and I could get drunk and screw, and you'd wake up full of Hope. Hope your body can't get rid of, no matter how hard it tries.

I woke up on my very last nerve

A whistle-style car alarm started going off in the entirely enclosed in barb wire parking lot behind my apartment last night around 2. Someone had got under or around the fence and taken everything out of one of the BMW's. The alarm sounded in 6 minute cycles with 3 second breaks between the cycles until sometime after 5am. The pitch was too high to be shut out by earplugs. The cops came, but they couldn't get through the fence.

After an hour, the sound made me nauseous, and Cake furious.

First thing this morning, I went over to the service desk and asked to speak to the manager.

receptionist: "Hey Ed? There's a woman from the neighborhood that wants to talk to you."

(Ed, on the walkie talkie) "Can you patch her over to Dan?"

receptionist: "Um, she's actually here in person."

So Ed rolls up to the counter and I smile and shake his hand. I explain to Ed that one of his cars was likely broken into last night, and that none of his neighbors are happy, because that alarm proceeded to sound for hours without rest. I mentioned to Ed that perhaps they should give the cops a key to their parking lot, or get themselves an emergency call number posted on the fence.

I did not, in so many words, say that if this kind of thing happened again that Ed could expect a thunderous hailing of ball-bearings, because many of my neighbors just happen to be those kind of people, but I think Ed got the idea.

I've got the twenty-first centrury breathing down my neck

Dear The Boy At The Gothic-Industrial Coffee Shop,

No no no, you've got it all wrong. I know what you thought you saw was a black hoodie, black skirt, black socks and shoes being sullen in the rain. What you didn't see was the baby pink sweater and the white bow tied around my neck. Not to mention the extensive flower print wardrobe laying in wait at my home.

Flowers, bunnies, pistols, pirates,

Sonya

Keep it rockin till the sun goes down

Someone once explained to me that the more attention you give to supernatural things, the more power they have over you. So if you see a weird, blinking, skull and crossbones shaped light in the sky, you should not think: "Oh shit! A skull and crossbones shaped Spacecraft of Death and Discomfort!" because that allows what was once only confirmed to be a light the opportunity to be a Spacecraft of Death and Discomfort. At least in your head, which gives it an amount of power over you.

So I've had a few heavily self-medicated days to think about my blinking red light, and I've decided that if it's going to land and dismember me, there's really not much I can do about it. And if it turns out to be a file baked into a birthday cake, 2 tin cans tied on 4 time zones worth of string, or an oarless canoe, there's not much I can do about any of that, either.

I heart the telly.

Dear The Walkmen,

I'm watching you on MTV2 right now, and your video reminded me that I accidently saw you at Graceland last year. I developed a fleeting crush on your drummer and his toothyness, and probably drank enough to run all the way home without stopping.

Hope you're all doing great!

Love,

sonya

just because.

Hey, I'm looking to purchase between 1 and 3 totally-fabulous-OG-glam-rock records. Any suggestions?

(all my sad bastard music just fans the unnecessary fire.)

The weatherman has cleared the day

I kind of feel that, unless I'm just trying to shove words into an A/B/A/B rhyming format, I'm trying to write my way around a big brick wall.

It's raining like it ought to this morning, and with the rain came a sense of equilibrium.

I hated balloons and flowers when I was a kid, because I knew that they would deflate and die within a few weeks. The expectation of elimination ruined their beauty for me.

But you know what? Everything ages, changes, and in some cases, dies. It's okay to be sad and frusterated, but it's also okay to be joyful over all things that allow joy. Not okay, but essential, actually. Sadness and anger are both things that can cover over you like tar unless you constantly push them back. You can feel terrible all day, but you've got to aknowledge that the sandwich you ate was good, and it felt nice to stretch, and you saw that one little kid eat out of the planter box while his mom wasn't looking and it was fucking funny.

So I'll let the sad come when it wants, but get all the good out of it I can.

Hold Music

lets dance a little jig around our troubles
lets yell some nasty swear words at our cares
cause' life is puppies, fireworks and bubbles
and passing out, and falling down the stairs.

and it turns out what you thought it was it wasn't
and it turns out everybody always knew
what you thought that it would do for you, it doesn't
all those truths you thought were lies were really true.

To the tune of 'If you're happy and you know it'

Here's a little something for all of you. Remember! If you can't make it better, pretend it isn't there!

If somethin' makes you sad, just repress! (Clap! Clap!)

but you've got to keep on keeping, just repress! (Clap! Clap!)

you know it's a lie, 'cause that'll be the day that I die

And now were both just sitting here. In our lifejackets. In the same boat we were sitting in before.

The problem is, now that we know we're going overboard eventually, why not just jump out now?*

*because I love being in the boat.

do you ever long for true love from me?

"We're heading into murky waters, and you know the belly of this craft is almost worn through. "

I've been riding in this boat with my life jacket on for so long now that I've nearly forgotten why I brought the life jacket in the first place. Like any emergency preparedness, it seems stupid when the sky is blue and nothing's on fire to be walking around all the time with an umbrella and a bucket of water.

You took your jacket off months ago, and every day you went without it, I loosened the straps on mine a little more. So when you reached down under the seat and strapped that orange vest on, I knew something was wrong.

"What are you doing?"

"Hard weather ahead."

"Maybe the boat will sail through it."

"Maybe after the clouds clear, there won't be a boat at all."

Every day, it's a gettin' closer, going faster than a rollercoaster

"Sonya, you've got to hear this."

We both kneeled on the floor in front of the answering machine while he flipped through old messages. The voice on the machine stuttered over itself. 'Message One messamessagememessage Fivemessagemessmess Message 25'

I could hear a whispering in the background and small lung breaths near the receiver. "Say 'Hi uncle cake'."

"NOOOOOOOO! Other Phone!" click.

'Message 26'

Okay, you ready? Wanna say it now?

"HI UNCA CAAY! I NOVE YOU! Ginger (his baby sister) is....is...and we went mrgb I NOVE YOU!" "say 'bye'" "I NOVE YOU! BYYYYEEEE!" click.

I turned to Cake and gave him a squeeze. "He's not even one of mine and I miss him."

"Wait Sonya, listen to this."

Message 27

tiny breaths into receiver, "Hi Thonya. Hi Thonya. Ginger! we went to mrgmerlbolaatmat and then it stopped. Hi Thonya! Bye!"

I sat on the floor with my mouth open. "Cake, that was *so* nice. He's so cute."

"He remembers you. And I think they have pictures of the both of us, so that helps."

Everything that happened last night was sweet and kind and a little sad. Both of us missing our small people. Both getting a little goopy about 'Big Fish'. Both being good about a sad, sad conversation that didn't want to wait.

shake your ass around my casket.

"And we keep fighting. Over stupid, stupid stuff."

"I suspected as much. You should probably anticipate an increase in squabbling over-all."

"Why do you say that?"

"Bickering is like loosening up the edge of a band-aid before you tear it off. You're both subconsciously pushing at the other to make it easier to peel away."