this imploding heart

my lies are only wishes

Thanks for all the birthday sweetness, sweethearts. I realized that the only thing crappy and nervous and terrible about it was me. Once it was actually happening, I was again reminded that I'm an incredibly rich individual with absolutely nothing to complain about in this world.

So it turns out that I have to get at least one game of bowling in before I can have a beer, or every other ball I roll goes directly into the gutter. Scores in the mid-fifties. But I looked like a russian empress doing it, so who really gives a shit?

count it up

Physics is turning out to be the math I've waited for my entire life. Math that can stand up and explain itself in the world. If only it were math that calculated itself, I'd sign on for a couple years of it.

never meant to be your disguise

I can't call it relentless, because it officially relented just long enough to cost us the record for shittiest winter ever. But I'm keeping my promise and going out more with others, calling back, making appearances. In the last week my efforts have won me a couple of great nights of dancing, a glam rock hair band, learning how to light my tits on fire in the Rendevous bathroom, and the most optimistic game of scrabble I've ever played at Harborview Med Ctr. (my first four moves were Yah*eh, Goals, Hope, and Joy.)

My birthday is coming up, and so far nobody can really get down with what I want to do. (It's my own fault for not planning on a true weekend.) So I'm going to the hot springs by myself to wash off the city and sinking feeling in volcanic waters from the belly of the earth. I've spent a lot of my birthdays travelling by myself and then returning home to friends and family and love. So maybe solo hot springs followed by party bowling and budweiser. Maybe we'll make the bowling semi-formal. To match the pin-shaped beer bottles.

Hey all you fashionable New Yorkers: Take Note.

My lady Alisha Louise just got a store in a borough near you. Cog and Pearl at 190 5th Ave will be carrying her beautiful jewels starting next week. Her designs are really sweet and fresh and optimistic, and I would love to see her work hanging around the necks of some New Yorkers I love.

and not to be missed

Welcome to the world, baby Sophie. May every penny you find be a lucky one.

they had a fight, triangle wins

Today at school we got to throw ball bearings off the 5th floor staircase and time them as they cascaded to the first floor (and generally bounced back up to the second). Dr Deutsch assigned 5 classmates to "make sure we don't kill anyone" duty.

Physics is fun.

down to the ground to get out of the rain (boom boom boom)

21 days of rain with 21 more to go.

everybody's workin

After a 2.5+ year of theatrical hiatus, I was allowed to indulge in my favorite of activities for 2 whole weeks. I SMed the workshop for the lovelies of Baba Yaga Productions, and although my favorite parts were limited to a weekend (building, lighting, pushing buttons), It was really nice to return to that viewpoint and look out again at my life.

I'm so glad I didn't go to college as an 18yo to study acting. I'm also glad I decided against professional stage management. I'm starting to realize more and more that my passion in life will likely be unpaid, and I'm starting to believe in that being a good thing. I don't want my passion to support me, I want it to inspire me. So I'm going to become a happy bus driver. Or a happy locksmith. Or a happy furniture sander. Anything that allows me time to jump out of the bushes with an ice cream sandwich when you've had a bad day, spend a week sewing myself a cowgirl outfit, or hook myself up to a pulley system 3 times a week to drop a friend out of the ceiling in a production of questionable quality.

you know you coulda been a school book

Today was the first day of school-and though I arrived chock full of pencils and notebooks, I hadn't signed up for any classes yet.

It's not that I hadn't been perusing the course catalog and making selections for the last 2 months, it's more that I've practically been living off of $1s and $5s since the first day of Christmas. So this morning I put on my best 'I'm a good student who shows up every damn day with the reading done -and I also have pretty nice gams.' outfit, grabbed myself an Add/Drop form and started peddling around for classes. Most everything that applies to my program was full, but I did find a nice German with a PhD and a passion for energy, heat and magnetism. So it looks as though I'll be taking Physics 100 and otherwise taking it easy this quarter. Which will give me plenty of time to make some clothes out of potato sacks and work on my Wretched-Dickensian-Side-Character look.

how am I not myself?

San Francisco was -obviously- insanely fucking pretty. The eucalyptus trees were majestic spiritual giants, everyone was (legally) lightly stoned everywhere we went, and I truly did meet some gentle people there.

The best part was seeing Tiny, seeing Tiny so happy, and cruising around Happy Tiny's new city in the old-fashioned way. We spent lots of time walking around, trying stuff on and not buying anything. She took me to a New Year party that started at 6am. We stayed for 6 and a half hours. I danced for at least 3. The other 3 were spent smiling, chewing gum, making out, demanding that others name and provide the history of local scenery, and generally enjoying myself. Know what I didn't do? Wait in line for the bathroom. The party was held at the smartest club ever. 5 stalls for the women, 2 stalls for the men. Whoo Hoo!

My New Year Resolution is to not allow myself unnecessary guilt.