this imploding heart

driving from the ocean with both hands tied on the wheel

today I received a letter from my grandmother that included 6 or 7 of the letters I've written to her over the last 7 years. Moving, quitting jobs, being in love, being in shows, being unemployed. What have I been doing all this time?

I've been having serious boat-missing panic lately. What boat, going to where and why? who knows. Some boat I'm supposed to be on. Perhaps I'm already on it and missing it as it floats beneath me. I was expecting there to be a genetic half-me on this boat, if this is it.

Momma is coming in to the city today and we're going to go to the movies, or maybe the butterfly room at the Science Center. Nothing like a room full of fluttery wings and tropical flowers on a shitty rainy day.

a dream for every star.

at work, I often wonder if the people who come and sit all night, or who've been sitting since before I got there, I wonder if they consider me.

Because I certainly consider them. I speculate about their lives and who they love and who loves them and what are they listening to in order to escape from 'All Black Woman Music Night', or 'Everything I loved in 2001 Music Night'. Whatever my night happens to be.
I wonder about their underwear and if they talk to themselves as they walk down the street. I consider their parents. If they know their fathers. If they call their mother by her first name.
I wonder what song they think of when they remember their first kiss and whether they will sleep with a man or a woman when they go home. Whether they will sleep at all. Whether they will stay up all night watching reruns of Red Dwarf on DVD and kicking themselves for not going to that exhibit at the Asian Art Museum before it closed.

and I wonder if they wonder about me. About my low mumbling, half spoken and half sung. About what I do after the chairs are up and the lights are down. I wonder if they don't wonder at all.

do you wanna dance do you wanna dance I love to dance

More posting for the sake of it. Anybody who stands to be impressed has probably already been offended.

If you happen to be one of the hundred-or-so random people who I asked to burn me that Bonnie Prince Billy/Tortise Covers record, don't bother. I found it used, and -as suspected- it's delightful. I also bought 'Look Around' by Sergio Mendes & Brasil 66. It's caused 3 spontaneous livingroom dance explosions and an hour of workplace shimmy, and I imagine it's got a whole lot more up it's sleeve.

I wish I were getting drunk in the sun under a colorful umbrella.

I heard your mother now she's going out the door

It's a St. Valentine's Miracle!

Once I decided that it was never coming back, I figured there was no harm in completely disassembling it.

A bobby pin makes an incredible mini-screwdriver. Once I got it opened up, I gave it a few blasts with the hairdryer and put it back together. Now I'm back from the dark ages, available via telephone.

To tell you the truth, the last week of phonelessness was a complete dream come true. After 7 years of answering the phone for a living, it was amazing how much stress was alleviated simply by being away from a potential ring. If you can't afford a real vacation, just turn your phone off for a week.

the stars and the moon are getting bored of hearing I love you.

In the upper part of the atmosphere is the ionosphere, so named because it contains many ions-electrically charged atoms that are the result of ultraviolet light and intense cosmic ray bombardment. Tidal effects in the ionosphere produce electric currents that alter the magnetic field that surrounds the Earth. These are magnetic tides. They, in turn, regulate the degree to which cosmic rays penetrate into the lower atmosphere. The cosmic-ray penetration is evident in subtle changes in the behaviors of living things. The highs and lows of magnetic tides are greatest when the atmosphere is having spring tides--again, near the full and new Moon.

The gravitational influence of every material object, however small or however far, is exerted through all of space.

--Paul Hewitt. Conceptual Physics 10.

Funny how science comes running back around and smacks right into personal mythology sometimes. I'm pulling on everyone and everyone is pulling back on me. The farthest comet. The closest houseplant. Cosmic ray bombardment.

want you to know

I spilled a glass of water in the vicinity of my phone, and now none of the buttons except for the on/off work. I'm giving it a couple of days to see if it will come back to life because I can't afford to buy a new one. If you have an old C_NG_L_R phone you'd be willing to give me or sell me cheap, please email.

In the meantime (perhaps for the next week or so), please direct all correspondence via the WWW. Or wait for me to magically show up outside of your home or business. That's the other option.

no reason to live

Man, our kitchen was built By Short People For Short People. As a result, I have 2 permanent bruises above and center of my temples from slamming my face into the stove hood and the cupboard doors all day.

I consider the bruises my Proofs of Deliciousness, as Souxie and I are going to try and bake all our own bread at home, starting 2 weeks ago. I know it sounds completely over-ambitious, but it's so freaking cheap that the little squirrell who compells all my actions just can't resist. (Just Flour! and Water that comes out of the Sink! and Yeast that only costs $.98 an Ounce! No wonder people have been doing this since they dusted off their knuckles.)

Painful, Thrifty, Delicious.

do what you wanna do with whoever

Have you seen what a tremendous number of my friends are working on? Neither had I until last week, when I was simultaneously blown away by the futur-tasticness of the PSP and the HolyCrapLookit-ness of this movie trailer, starring a lot of people I like. Terror! and Bunny Slippers!

you know we got a mystery to solve

I loved 'Scooby Doo - Where Are You?' as a kid. They're the most action-packed scooby doos, and I seem to remember yelling at the screen a lot from our big gold couch in the basement.

I'm watching the episode where the gang goes to a gypsy wagon fortune teller before going to "the only castle transported brick by brick from Transylvania! Gee Willikers!" Which proptly develops into a chase scene with Daphne and Frankenstein, Fred and Thelma and Dracula, and Scooby and Shaggy with a werewolf. Action!

i'm mostly posting to remark that I as a kid, when I watched the show, I wondered why they ran in place for so long before just running away. I thought they probably could have gotten away most of the time if it weren't for all that running in place.