There's stuff I can't do. Can't. Don't know how. Can't learn. Like I took Set Building in college. I can't build stuff. It falls apart, breaks, is all crooked, has things sticking out of it. Its pretty embarrassing. I tried to learn a programming language once. I don't remember which one. Probably Perl or something stupid like that. Failed. Didn't get it. Couldn't make anything work. Didn't understand what half of it was supposed to do in the first place.
I can't stop feeling things.
I can't become a person who doesn't need antidepressants (tried, failed)
I can't touch my elbow to my ear.
Can't do it. I'm pretty okay with all this. Most of the time. I wish I didn't have to take a tiny little pill everyday so that I don't end up stuck in my room crying and pulling out my hair and scratching my face. But it's kind of like wishing I didn't have to sleep. It isn't really here nor there.
I take a big yellow multi-vitamin every morning.
Evidently, my body is incapable of spontaneously generating vitamins A, B, C, or E and can only generate small quantities of vitamin D under very specific circumstances. I also can't spontaneously generate iron, iodine, or several other important minerals that start with "i".
That doesn't bother me much.
What does bother me a little bit is that the food I eat isn't nutritious enough to supply me with these nutrients and that, in fact, due to various factoids about fertilizer and forced-yield growing, it's actually kind of tricky to get enough nutrients through store-bought food. And unfortunately, I just don't have the resources available to me to grow all my own food.
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The thing that bothers me about the days when I have a horrible black cloud hanging over me and I feel like nothing will ever bee good again is that I'm fairly certain it's a byproduct of having to spend 40 hours a week in a little room, sitting at a desk, typing and wishing I was somewhere else.
I think we would all have fewer bad days if there was more to look forward to. I think it says something fundamental about the society that we have chosen to create that something like a third of the population of the U.S. is on some kind of anti-depressant.
Or, as Christian Slater once said, "Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not necessarily make you screwed up." Stupid movie but it's a good point.
Posted by: Joshua at August 27, 2004 12:44 PMBut it's mighty inconvenient when you actually go crazy and can't function in that screwed up place anymore. There's this whole space time continuum thing that really pisses me off...
Posted by: JtotheP at August 27, 2004 01:48 PM