So I've been having false labor for the past week and a half. And what false mean is that you don't get to sleep for a long time and instead of having a baby, it just stops. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt less. Cause it doesn't. Holy Crap. You know spotted hyena give birth through their clitoris and up to 60% or the babies die of suffocation. I'm assuming because the mom hyena just says "Fuck it, this hurts too much, I'm taking a nap." Or passes out.
Being Diabetic is weird. I'm on a medicine, bascially oral insulin, and at around 6 or 7 pm I start to shake all over from hypoglycemia and then I have to eat a candy bar or drink a Pepsi. Which seems a little, like weird and totally wrong to me. But the lower dose of the medication didn't work so... You have to get used to the insulin, it takes about a week to figure out when you have to eat and when you can't and how to not get to the point you're shaking so bad you spill stuff all over you. Though I spill stuff all over me anyway. For some reason, I can't eat properly anymore. I get stuff all over my shirt. I'm convinced it's because I can't get close to the table anymore. Paul thinks it's because I'm subconsciously preparing myself for being puked on all the time.
Also I drool. Like a lot. I wake up in puddles of drool on my pillow. Basically being pregnant and having a baby makes your life extremely Fluid. Apparently, since my body's fluid volume increased by about half to a third again what it normally is, that includes all fluids, not just amniotic fluid and blood volume. So my eyes have more fluid (for a while there my far sightedness went away, but now I've gone slightly the other direction) and I marinate my face in my sleep.
Also, since about 6 1/2 months or so, my belly has been too big for me to reach properly to masturbate. So much for intelligent design. Cause when you're on "pelvic rest" because of early contractions and you're not able to provide yourself with the neccessary alternatives the whole engineering of the body starts to seem pretty goddamn stupid. What could make a woman in the third-trimester of her pregnancy even more irritable and aggravated than just the run of the mill cramping, back pain, hormone rollercoaster?
SO perhaps it IS intelligent design. It's just and Evil Intelligence. Eeeeevillll.
>>So much for intelligent design.
I almost peed myself.
Orgasms can jump-start labor, so Nature wants to make things as difficult as possible during that last trimester. I'm guessing that - coincidentally! - fully-cooked baby and the inevitable SOMEBODY RECTIFY THIS SITUATION NOW PLEASE RIGHT NOW happen at about the same time.
There has _got_ to be a hippie-dippie homeopathic "labor" stimulator for very very pregnant ladies out there somewhere... but I sure ain't doing the web searches.
Posted by: molly at February 8, 2006 03:18 PM>>Orgasms can jump-start labor
Or, they can just jump-start really bad contractions without any actual labor happening. It depends on whether or not you are being actively hated by G-d and/or the baby.
Posted by: sgnp at February 8, 2006 03:30 PM"Or, they can just jump-start really bad contractions without any actual labor happening."
Word. The baby is trying to killl me. I know it.
Posted by: JtotheP at February 8, 2006 04:45 PMOkay, I could have gone my whole life without knowing that about hyenas. Thanks for the insomnia. Also, sorry to hear you're replaced masturbation with marination.
I must bathe now.
Posted by: flamingbanjo at February 8, 2006 06:10 PMof all the unpleasant things i've heard about the being pregnant/birthing process, i think the "not being able to masturbate for 2.5 months" thing shall be classified amoungst the dealbreakers.
Posted by: raej at February 9, 2006 01:00 PMYou just need a long J-shaped vibrator. Surely someone somewhere makes one of these. They make them for every other letter in the alphabet.
Posted by: Joshua at February 10, 2006 08:33 AMNever liked using power tools on my clitoris. They always are too much for me. And the whole pelvic rest thing is about keeping things and people out of your vagina.
It is a bunch of ass.
Rick- It's only Spotted Hyenas if that helps at all. The rest of the hyenas get to give birth in much more mercifully comfortable way.
Posted by: JtotheP at February 10, 2006 05:24 PM