So I was thinking about joining eHarmony, because...well because. But I realized that the people who have the "great relationships" that they show on the commercials are all white and wearing Eddie Bauer and were um kinda creepy. eCreepy.
So I've gotten a few emails from friends of mine who obviously didn't read through the end of my last post. Understandable because it is kinda long. Basically saying they are not going to say nice things to me anymore.
You know what I say to that?
Fine, I say. See where that get's you.
So something has happened to me. Perhaps its that I'm old. Perhaps its that I've know the people I know now for too long, but people think they can say whatever they want to me. Sometimes this is irritating. Because I know if I said the same shit to them, I'd get all kinds of flack for it. All kinds. SO here's something true that has been happening with a great deal of frequency lately and its irritating to me:
Men I know and have known for a long time, some gay, some straight, some married, some single will make extremely sort of flirting sexual comments to me about me. One example (you know who you are so don't feel bad about this because I never say anything about it) a friend of mine the other day on the phone called me "a luscious little morsel." OK that's nice right? Sure I have no problem with that, but it's gotten pretty intense. It seems like all my male friends are saying things like that to me. Which while flattering also is sort of driving me nuts. I haven'd had sex with anyone for a long time. I haven't dated anyone for more than like two dates in four years. None of the people saying these things to me is in any way remotely interested in dating me at all. So some days it's like GAH! I KNOW that these same men, if women were to do this to them would start to feel trod upon. Teased and not taken seriously. Frustrated and emasculated. Well, guess what fellas? We're not so different you and I. It's started to make me feel, uhm, ridiculous. Like I'm someone they can practice their pick up lines on and it won't matter. Like I don't have a sex drive, or desires, or a need for companionship and love. I'm starting to feel like people are messing with me. Which I don't like. I don't tend towards paranoia, so it's pretty unpleasant.
I don't even know if this is a problem. Really. I mean my friends just like me and want to say nice things to me and that's it. I'm probably just feeling a little lonely right now so it's harder for me to take these little gems as just kindnesses. I guess I want someone to want me that I want to want me and that isn't married or gay or unavailable for some other reason, and being told I'm pretty and sexy by people who are unavailable is just tweaking me out. Got it. Okay I think I'm all better now.
Compliment away guys.
It's still like long happiness on a platter. I'm still all likin' and lovin' my people. How boring is that? I have a new keybperd so i keep tupeing wongmess. van't help it/ jamn these new keuboards.
I'm loving my friends today. I'm loving the world today. I'm loving the sun and the place where I live and what I do with my free time today. I am in love with my life today. It feels really really good.
So here's something. I've been thinking about dating again. And I think I love my life so much today, I don't know if I want to change anything. I feel selfish about this feeling. I guess some more saintly people than I would want to share it, but I don't. I want it all for me. All on my terms. All my own love. Step back behind the line people, step away from the pink cloud.
So a friend of mine recently had this problem with her mother-in-law. She has a son (my friend does, so does the mother-in-law, but that's not the point) who drinks soy milk. And crazy mother-in-law is convinced that my friend is going to cause her little boy a huge litany of troubles because he drinks soy milk, instead of cow milk. Whatever. She sent my friend this bizarre article listing all the horrible things soy milk does to people including but not limited to Depression, Irritable Bowel (now this is actually true), genital malformation, baldness, cancer the whole gamut. So my friend as a good feeling right minded person wanted to send back to MIL a host of articles about the health benefits of soy. But you know we both sort of looked at each other and said "You just don't want to get into that game." Of course. However, I have this completely evil desire to write a fake article that she can send to MIL along with a note thanking her for the previous article. The article I want to write would prove that soy causes Schizophrenia and Satanism. Well Anton La Vey was a vegetarian, no?
Overheard a coversation that I've overheard a million times. Two General Surgery residents talking about holding people's lives in their hands and how they themselves are essentially gods. I informed them that serial killers think the same thing. "But," I said "What do I know, being just a mere mortal."
I went to see a movie and I cried a lot and it made me happy. Crying is a gift from the gods.
im beyond thought im burning out flaming smouldering burning out sleep food waiting silence music flames