I'm not used to being evaluated. This is a completely untrue statement. What I mean to say is that I'm unused to being evaluated in a specific way. The way of meeting friends of the new boyfriend. The way of being looked at crossways and thought about like "Is she going to work out?" Like the new maid or nanny. Is she paying enough attention to him? Is she smart, funny, interesting, controlling, stupid, mean? Does she deserve him? Does she? Is she looking after him? Keeping close to him? Is she socializing appropriately with us? Is she? Is she? Is she?
It's very intense. And un-nerving. And expected. And exactly what I do to new girlfriends of friends of mine. So there. Right back atcha.
Just say Hm again Norton. Just say it.
I get this feeling. Which is paranoia. But maybe not. That because I'm dating someone, all his friends will blame me because he doesn't do stuff with them as much. Like they'll think I'm telling him he can't do stuff or requiring him to spend this much time with me. And I'm not doing that. I'm not. But I think people will think I am. And that I do. But I don't. As big mouthed and obnoxious as I can be, I don't run people. I don't tell people to do anything really. Except my roommate. I tell him to take out the trash and clean the catbox. (I do the dishes and clean the bathroom. It all works out.) He also has a history of being with people who boss him I think. I'm not so sure about that really, but I think people perceived that he was being bossed. But I'm not the Boss.
See unfortunately, I'm seriously in love. I've got it bad. I'm entirely at the mercy of my warm squishy fuzzy feelings. I'm all like "You wanna come over?" and he's all like "Yeah totally" and I'm all like "That's so awesome. I'll make popcorn and we can watch Mr. Show." and he's all like "Awesome" and I'm all like "I have some work to do" and he's all like "Me too" so I go pick him up when we're done working and go to my house and have popcorn and watch Mr. Show. And it is totally and completely Awesome. And that's all. Well that's not ALL, but the rest is none o yer beeswax.
It took me five hours to get an emergency dealt with today. FIVE HOURS! What does the word Emergency mean to YOU?
I'm realizing more and more lately that there are words I don't like. And I don't knwo why I don't like them. I like lots of words that other people don't like. But I'm stuck on a couple of words right now. Examples!
Words I Like but a lot of folks don't:
Penis
Vagina
Cunt
Fuck
Jesus Christ
Cock Smoker
Cock Knocker
Bosoms (better if pronounced BOOOOzoms)
Crap
Words I Hate For no Reason that I can tell:
Condom
Boyfriend
Shit
Drama
So the condom thing has gotten to apoint where I just call them "things".
"I need to go buy some things."
"We would've but I didn't have a thing, and neither did he."
"Honey, where did you put the things"
It's ridiculous. I feel like a fifteen year old. And all the alternatives just sound stoopid. Prophylactic, Rubber, Raincoat, Wrapper, Jimmy, Johnny, Shower Cap, Love Glove, French Letter (thnks to J for that one, it's the classiest by far. Still can't say it though).
Which makes me say one of my favorite words. Aw Crap.
I wrote the sickest piece of porn last night. It's sick. And I mean sick in both the way that I use it and the way that the kids these days use it. I hope there aren't any Sensitive Nice White People With Kids at the thing I'm going to read this at. You'll have to ask SGNP though how sick it is. Cause I read it to him and he didn't even blink. Perhaps I'm just a delicate flower.
So all these stupid things I wanted to write about are all finally coming back to me. Feet. On. Ground. Foot. Firmly. In. Mouth. See that's better.
I think I have a prejudice against people who are like traditionally pretty. People who look just so and who everybody thinks are hot. I think that these people are flawed and I don't trust them. I think they lack character and I think they are too privileged and I think just all kinds of things. Like they're shallow and simple-minded. It's very weird. It's very intense. It's definitely my most deeply entrenched completely ridiculous embarrassing thought system.
I wish I could write poetry. I do. Because, I think I could say things in a more artful and meaningful way than I can right now. I might even be able to say things I didn't know I could say. That would be awesome.
I have a friend from high school that's one of those people who has made the complete transition to adult-looking-guy. He's pudgy and bald and barely recognizable as the spastic comedic hyper dude from my youth. The unfortunate thing is, he is also quite insane. He was always sort of on the verge and then a series of unforunate choices and events conspired to actually push him over that line into incoherence and insanity. He went into the navy. Saw combat in Haiti (Erk!). And then got a job at Intel making crap loads of money. This has made him able to buy a house and hire detectives to track down all his old friends from high school. Lucky me. He's married and probably has a kid by now. His wife is, as far as I can tell, developmentally diabled. She can really speak and shifts around and quotes Beavis and Butthead compulsively. It's very very very weird.
So I'm pretty sure that hell is being any of us in that situation for eternity. Either him - the man with the broken soul, his wife - disabled, no hope of help, babies here and on the way, or me - the completely appalled and horrified houseguest.
I need to be writing but instead I'm going over to my friends' house to eat Pop Tarts and drink Manhattans. Don't knock it till you've tried it.
I had a bunch of things I wanted to chat about, but I forgot about them all. Because. Guess what Kids. I. Got. Laid.
Smoke em if you've got em.