Cause we do. Lots and lots of rats. The rats are in our attic, in our walls, in a storage closet. They've torn up the insulation, they've peed and pooped and have scared the hell out of me.
Last night I heard something in the storage closet under our stairs. I opened the closet and there was a nasty, greezy rat. I almost dropped the baby. I called Paul and he called Ivan who is the guy who will come on Sundays and looks at your rats for you. He tells you that you do in fact have rats and shows you how incredibly bad it is.
It may cost $4000 to redo all the insulation and make the rats go away and plug all the holes so they can't come back in.
Are you freakin' kidding me? Rats? Jesus Christ. I know you can have a rent party. Can you have a Rat Party?
There is a level of pain for which the medical term is "exquisite". It's worse than bad. Worse than super bad. It's generally constant and is the type of pain than makes people pass out, wake-up and pass out again.
Oh, Exquisite.
Labor is not quite that bad. But it's really really close. I'm going to contextualize this by making myself sound like a badass. I broke my ankle in three places with a two inch dislocation that basically means I tore all the soft tissue in my ankle. I ripped my foot off of my leg, but the skin stayed intact. That was pretty bad. I've been foley-cathetered twice without anesthesia and that really isn't that bad. I've had eight or so stitches put into my vagina without anesthesia or lidocaine, and that burned a little bit. I have a tatoo on my foot that took two hours and that was pretty painful. I had no idea what I was getting into with labor. Which I think is the main problem. I completely underestimated the level of pain and the amount of time I would be in it.
It's unmanageable. It's crazy making. It's unbearable. All of which I think would have been fine if I had being paying attention. I figured you got wore down by it. Which you do. I thought it was probably like a lot of things that people say are horribly painful, but which are just extremely unpleasant. I was wrong. All the stuff they teach you in the classes is totally valid, but it doesn't make the pain any better. It doesn't make the pain any less. You could relax and breathe and take a bath and walk around all you want and you will still end up speaking in tongues during transition.
I did not make it through my transition. I was seven centimeters dilated. I had already told Paul that I was going home, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I slapped his hand really really hard when he touched me. I vomited in the sink and started banging my fist into the vomit so hard Paul thought I was either going to break the sink or my hand, yelling "NOBODY WILL HELP ME! GODDAMN IT! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" This was during a shift change. This is what the new nurse encountered on entering our "Birthing Suite". I also would walk around the room, shaking my hands in front of me, muttering incoherently and making muppet sounds. Or animal sounds. Or little whimpers.
I told Paul after a shot of Fentanyl (the last shot they said they would give me) that I wanted an Epidural. He very calmly told me that I had told him I might say that and he needed to know if there was some way I could let him know I really meant it and that I wouldn't be disappointed later. This is 12 or so hours into active labor. I screamed as loud as I could into his face.
I got an Epidural. It was awesome. I had a "very well estabilshed labor pattern" so I didn't slow down labor that much. I didn't feel the Epidural going on or coming out, They gave me the perfect amount of medicine so it started to wear off during the pushing part, which makes it easier to push effectively. The Epidural basically let me skip the greater part of transitional labor and I also got my kind back. Another thing I was unprepared for, the absolute shattering of my mind as I know it. No coping skills. No thoughts. No plans. No focus. No personality. Just a whimpering, shouting, crazed woman who is being tortured for no reason by an unseen hand.
The baby's cord was wrapped around her neck so pushing became a strange mixture of strategy and impatience. They really wanted her out, but her heart rate dropped every time I pushed so I had to push every other contraction to let her heart rate come back up. But they wanted me to push very effectively every time to get her out fast. They ended up using the vacuum thing on her head for just a couple of rounds of pushing to move her down. Then her head came out and I could feel her hot little head on my thigh and then her shoulders came out and I could feel her hot little body on both my legs and then she was just out!
Now I have a baby girl. She is five days old and I sing "Baby Betty the Bumble Bee" to her and make buzzing sounds. It makes her look at me like she is seriously concerned for my mental health. She eats a lot and is back up to her birth weight. I cried two days ago because, as frustrating as being pregnant was, I felt lonely for the little wiggly creature in my belly. I cried yesterday because I was cutting her fingernails (she was really scratching up her face) and I caught a little bit of skin on her thumb in the clippers. She started crying. I started crying and neither one of us was able to deal with her bleeding thumb. I was so upset, I actually couldn't think of what to do to make her thumb stop bleeding. This is why having my mom around is so useful. She grabbed a tissue and put pressure on Betty's thumb. She called Paul who took care of me and everything was fine within about five minutes. Today I cried because I was looking at Betty and she's so beautiful and small and everything...
And now I'm crying again.
I've never been so tired and achy and happy all at the same time in my whole life.
Plus my belly does weird tricks now. It's sort of deflating but only in places so I can suck in my abs and some places suck in and some places still stick out. It's creepy and cool at the same time.
Only now she's on the outside:
Betty George Gude-Pratt
Born February 14th, 2006 - 1:45pm (Pacific)
5lbs,10 .2oz
17 3/4 inches
There is more playing and poop now!
Dear Tom Donnelly:
Who the fuck are you and why do you know so much about everything military that you are on the TV and radio all the time? What is your job? Who do you work for? What is your resume? Who have you worked for in the past? Why do Radio and TV people call you all the time? I've never seen you on TV, just heard your voice. Yesterday it was about keeping Iraq safe for Americans to be there forever as far as you were concerned. Today it was about making sure China could never move large numbers of people beyond their borders. To wit: that China could never do anything as crazy as say sending over 100,000 people more than 10,000 miles to overthrow a government.
What are you doing dude?
Mr. Brown is an asshole. Mr. Brown aparently had something to do with horse-racing before he became the director of FEMA. Mr. Brown did a terrible job. Mr. Brown should be hung by his testicles until every last one of the people affected by Hurricane Katrina have gotten what they deserve from the Federal Government. Or Whatever.
HOWEVER, Mr. Brown is my new frickin hero because he used the phrase "balls-to-the-wall" in his testimony to Congress today. "Balls-to-the-wall" is on record, people. One should be able to look it up in the OED next year.
Thank you, Mr. Brown. Thank you for simply saying what you had to say in the manner you felt you had to say it. Thank you for putting it on record.
The National Archives now for sure and without question includes the phrase "balls-to-the-wall". I salute you Mr. Brown. I salute you.
Puget Sound Blood Center has a Cord Blood donation program that includes options for donating both for research and for direct donation.
The cord blood is just packed with stem cells, so if you are really into the idea of stickin it to the man this is a great program. Plus, it's the only time you can donate tissue or blood that doesn't hurt at all, since they take it once you know you and the baby are all done with it.
All you have to do is call them and they will do the screening and consent on the phone if you want. Or they can send you a packet.
So, I was thinking I could not donate cord blood because of my exposure to evil evil prions while I lived in Germany in the 80s. Turns out they changed their criteria a short three weeks ago and it was recently approved, so I will be able to donate, and perhaps someone will be less Parkinsonian, or Hodgkinsonian all cause of my little baby and the only disposible organ a human has.
Yay Us!
Click Here and Do It!
So I've been having false labor for the past week and a half. And what false mean is that you don't get to sleep for a long time and instead of having a baby, it just stops. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt less. Cause it doesn't. Holy Crap. You know spotted hyena give birth through their clitoris and up to 60% or the babies die of suffocation. I'm assuming because the mom hyena just says "Fuck it, this hurts too much, I'm taking a nap." Or passes out.
Being Diabetic is weird. I'm on a medicine, bascially oral insulin, and at around 6 or 7 pm I start to shake all over from hypoglycemia and then I have to eat a candy bar or drink a Pepsi. Which seems a little, like weird and totally wrong to me. But the lower dose of the medication didn't work so... You have to get used to the insulin, it takes about a week to figure out when you have to eat and when you can't and how to not get to the point you're shaking so bad you spill stuff all over you. Though I spill stuff all over me anyway. For some reason, I can't eat properly anymore. I get stuff all over my shirt. I'm convinced it's because I can't get close to the table anymore. Paul thinks it's because I'm subconsciously preparing myself for being puked on all the time.
Also I drool. Like a lot. I wake up in puddles of drool on my pillow. Basically being pregnant and having a baby makes your life extremely Fluid. Apparently, since my body's fluid volume increased by about half to a third again what it normally is, that includes all fluids, not just amniotic fluid and blood volume. So my eyes have more fluid (for a while there my far sightedness went away, but now I've gone slightly the other direction) and I marinate my face in my sleep.
Also, since about 6 1/2 months or so, my belly has been too big for me to reach properly to masturbate. So much for intelligent design. Cause when you're on "pelvic rest" because of early contractions and you're not able to provide yourself with the neccessary alternatives the whole engineering of the body starts to seem pretty goddamn stupid. What could make a woman in the third-trimester of her pregnancy even more irritable and aggravated than just the run of the mill cramping, back pain, hormone rollercoaster?
SO perhaps it IS intelligent design. It's just and Evil Intelligence. Eeeeevillll.
A couple more things I've been shocked I say shocked about:
Apparently, most Americans don't care that the Pres. approved illegal wiretapping. And think they wouldn't mind being wiretapped themselves if it was helpful to the NSA. I think we should test this theory by doing it. Wiretap all those people and bring them into their local FBI office, play the tape back and question them about inconsistencies on the tape. Give them coffee and water and inform them if they leave the room to piss it will be noted that they walked out on an offical FBI interview. Can I do it? Please please please? If the president can do it, I should be able to do it, right?
Someone I don't care about on the radio was talking about the increase in radical islamic sentiment in the mid-east (read:anti-Americanism). and I was thinking, the last time I remember things being this bad was when I lived in Germany and the PLO was bombing crap and Libya was involved and everthing was just insane and out of control. Burning American flags and effigies of Reagan and all that. But now I'm reminded of reports of the surge in Anti-War movements here over the past several years. Do they really not get it? If you bomb people, they demonstrate against you and threaten you and don't like you. If you are in a war, anti-war protestors demonstrate against you and threaten you and don't like you. If you don't bomb people and invade their country, they may dislike you a great deal less. In fact, they may largely ignore you. If you're not perpetrating a war, peace activists may largely ignore you.
Statistics are crap. By the way. In case you didn't know. Unless they account for attribution. Which they don't. Because statistics is math and math only says what it says and nothing more. YOU can say whatever you want about the math, but the math is just math.
This has been a very weird news cycle for me. There's a guy in England who probably shot his wife and baby and the police in Massachusetts where the crime happened are not trying to get him on a plane back here NOW NOW NOW. Now when I say "probably" I mean he totally did it. You know why? Because frickin burglars, psychos or hit men do not put the bodies under blanket after blanket to hide the bodies from sight. To keep them warm and to do a psychological triple lutz "They're just sleeping. I put them to bed..."
Additionally, some crazy guy on CNN says we're being invaded by Mexico, because some dirty Mexican military types cross the border every once in a while to drop off drugs. Eek! The Mexicans are coming! We haven't beat them down for over a hundred years, so I think we coming up on a nice ass-whoopin'.
And lastly, a comment was tossed off on "To the Point with Marvin Alny" or however you spell his name, by a dude named Tom Donnelly, who is one of those guys who I hear all the time quoted or actually on the radio though I have no idea what the hell he does or who he is. He used to work with the Bush Administration in some capacity and now works for one of those ominous sounding conservative groups called The New American Century. He said, "The goal in Iraq is not to make it safe for Americans to leave. It's to make it safe for Americans to stay there." No one even sighed, or took exception, or asked him to qualify. It's one of the most blatant statements of this American Imperialism I keep hearing about and it just floated right by. I almost had to stop the car. I wanted to call them and be like "Say what now?" But no one ever gets through with an intelligent question or remark. Not that "Say What now?" is particularly intelligent, but I think it is to the point, if you will.
By the way, If you missed the Beat Down of James Frey on Oprah, then I have to say you really did miss something. Oprah can be hard on people, but usually it's dumb emotional stuff. She beat this guy like he stole from her. I was seriously thinking she was going to just reach over and smack him HARD a couple of times. John Stewart did a brilliant piece on that little moment in history. He compared her systematic cutting of him into various pieces, to recent interviews by major networks with Delay, the Pres., and other various important politcal types. Most of them like "It must be amazing addressing the press from the Lincoln Balcony", or "You must find the attention your relationship to Jack Abramoff is receiving uncomfortable."
HAW!
In other news, it seems I may very well be able to donate my baby's cord blood, despite my likely exposure to evil deadly BSE prions in Germany because if they cannot use the blood and stem cells for an actual transplant or donation, they can use them for research.
Saw Dave Chapelle on Oprah today as well. High as a frickin' kite. I don't think he completed a single coherent thought. He was still funny though.
I ordered something off the TV a while ago. I got that Sheer Cover make-up that Leeza Gibbons is the spokesperson for. I think Melissa Gilbert is too. Anyways, I got it because it was cheaper than Bare Minerals and I thought I'd give it a shot, since I too suffer from ultra-sensitive skin that easily is irritated by normal foundations and powders. Even those expensive brands you only find in Department Stores. Leeza Gibbons looks like her face is molded out of the silicone stuff they make those fake boob inserts for your bra out of.
Guess what though? The make-up stuff is awesome. I luurrrve it. I don't love giving my money to Gunthy-Renker, the uber-conglomerate that no-one has ever heard of that is responsible for all those infomercials, INCLUDING the ones with Greg Brady on them selling music compliations. If you pay attention, before the infomercials start you'll almost always hear "Presented by Gunthy-Renker Entertainment" or "Gunthy-Renker Fitness" or "the trusted Gunthy-Renker Corporation"
I wonder if they are evil. You know, if they're like rubbing their hands together giggling at all of us who buy products that 90% of the time don't work, break in two days, or are just general crap. Then they seed their product line with things like Sheer Cover that actually are pretty good. Random Reinforcement.
I am a pigeon and this is my bar. DON'T TOUCH MY BAR! It will be snak this time. I SWEAR!!! Snak snak snak snak snak snak...
PAUL GOT HIS DRIVER"S LICENSE!!! So I immediately (well not totally immediately, but close) sent him on his first pregnancy errand.
Fresca and Brownie mix.